Looking for what's next? What about what's here?

My whole life I've always looked for what's next.  Asking questions like: What is the next chapter of life going to look like?  What am I going to do?  Who am I going to be?  Where am I going to go?  I have always been one to look to the future.  Optimistic that what's out there is better than what's here.  That there is some achievable milestone waiting out there for me that will finally fulfill me and allow me to be content in who I am.  A perfect moment that brings complete joy and satisfaction where I no longer have to deal with the stress, heartache, and emptiness that continually dwells within my soul.  But is this future a realistic expectation?  Something that will make me happy with who I am?  Is there an achievement in this world that can calm my longing heart to be full?  In short, the answer is no.

Looking ahead is not a bad idea.  In fact it is a great idea to look forward, to plan, and to work towards goals and achieve them.  It's an important part of our lives.  Time never sits still, so we are constantly moving forward and need to look to what the future may bring.  The problem is, we can't do that to escape what's here.  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy a desperate heart.  Nothing can completely fill us to the point of being whole.  The burdens of our daily lives will continue to be a heavy weight, if we keep trying to run to something we think is better.  That's what the future presents for me.  It seems like a solution to meeting my many needs.  A fix to the deeper issues I hide down deep.  I think if I can just find that job that "fits" me life will be great.  If I can just do what I was made for I will finally be happy.  It's a false hope.  An empty promise to myself, because the truth of it is, unless I allow God to satisfy my longings at this moment, on this day, what happens in the future will be meaningless.  If I don't allow Him to fill me now, the things I seek to fulfill will only be a glimpse of joy during a continuous life of painful emptiness.

You see, what's next is not what God is most concerned about.  He doesn't ever wait for us to achieve a certain status before welcoming us into His arms.  He meets us where we're at, right now, in this moment, always.  It doesn't matter what my earthly status is or becomes.  It doesn't matter if I'm the CEO or the Janitor.  God doesn't care as much about what you do, as he does about who you are and who you are becoming.  Now I do believe that God does have a plan for me, and has created me uniquely to fulfill the tasks He has set out for me to accomplish, but without Him being what fulfills me, the tasks I complete aren't for Him.  God calls to do everything in this life as if we are doing it for Him, because, in reality, we are.  Every Christians calling is to have an intimate relationship with their creator, that grows in depth day by day, as we let Him enter in and lead us to where He wants us to go.  So lets stop looking ahead because it seems to satisfy a missing piece within us, and realize that missing piece is standing there waiting to fill us at this moment, right now.

Hiding behind a false identity

This last weekend I had the opportunity to go to Chicago, with my brother and dad, to attend a couple of baseball games at Wrigley Field.  It was an incredible trip and a memory I will hold dear for the rest of my life.  However, one memory stands above them all and it made me think about how easy it is to live life like this in the reality of everyday living.

The NFL draft was held in Chicago as well this weekend and our hotel room overlooked all of the festivities.  We were up in an executive suite, thanks to my brother, on the 24th floor.  On saturday night as we were heading to our room, we kept seeing numbers of people head up to the top floor suite wearing NFL paraphernalia.  As you might expect, we were incredibly intrigued by what was going on.  So, as we came back from dinner, we hit the top floor button and went on up.  As the doors opened, there stood a security guard and a whole crew of NFL people watching the preliminary boxing fights before the main event.  We acted like we were lost, let the doors close and went back down to our rooms.  However, I wasn't about to miss this opportunity.  I contemplated for a little while, thinking: "I bet I could get into that party."  But not sure if I really wanted to try.  After a few minutes, though, I asked my brother for his nice polo, and made my way to the elevator.  This is where the fun began...

I had to think of a story, to not only get in, but to stay if I was able to get passed the door.  I decided to go with a story that was partly true.  I was going to say that I worked for the NFLplay60 Program (which I do lead as a PE teacher in my school ), I figured if it didn't work I'd just head back downstairs and have a good story.  As the elevator doors opened, 3 ladies stood in front of me all wearing their NFL jackets and lanyards.  I proceeded to ask them if I needed my credentials with me to get into the room, they said I did, so I said: "well I'm going to try anyway and go back to my room and get mine if they told me no"...the lie had begun.  We arrived at the top floor and the butterflies in my stomach began to get bigger.  I stepped off the elevator and noticed that the security guard was not there, so I walked into the room.  I did not expect to get this far and if anyone was really watching me they would have seen that I was definitely out of place, I looked like a deer in headlights waiting for his impending doom.  I started to think: "If I'm going to make this work, I have to blend in quickly."  So I spotted a guy standing alone near a couch and went up and asked him if the fight had started.  He told me that it hadn't and didn't seem to be upset with me asking him, so I stayed there and started talking to him.  I had made it, but I was still nervous that I would be found out.

I asked him what he did for the NFL and he stated that he had worked with the fan bags they were giving out over the weekend.  He then asked me what I was there for and, thinking I had thought up a well done lie, I said "Oh, I worked with the NFLplay60 program over the weekend".  I was not expecting his response, however.  He said: "Oh so you worked with Tyrell".  As he pointed toward a guy in a different part of the room.  As I said: "Oh crap", in my head.  I said audibly: "No".  He said: "Oh so were you one of the refs for the weekend (they had flag football games going on)?"  I said: "yeah, yeah that's what I was doing."  I thought I was good and then he said: "so did you come from the New York office?" "No, they flew me out from Washington State." I answered.  He was surprised, but the answer seemed to satisfy him.  As the night drew on, I began to get more comfortable, eventually going over to the free drink counter, and getting a drink, though I always felt like at some point someone would discover me, or ask me to leave, which never happened.  It was a great experience, and a story I'll tell forever.

Afterwards, I did start to think, however, what it would be like to live like that?  If you truly tried to act like someone you're not everyday.  Tried to be someone your not to fit in, to get status?  Trying to go undiscovered, pretending to be someone else.  Hiding behind a false identity.  The think is...I, and I bet a few of you, do this a lot.  I hide behind a smile, behind jokes and laughter.  Yes, part of that is who I am, but a lot of times I do it because I'm hurting inside and I don't want anyone to see it.  I want to joke and laugh and act like I'm ok.  Creating a false persona, hiding the true me, the true struggles and the reality of what's going on.

This is a constant battle that we all fight.  Acting like everything is ok and not living in the reality that life is hard and it's alright to let people know your struggle.  To let people see the depth of your soul and the real issues you deal with.  Being "found out" is actually the best part of our stories, because people get to see you, the true you, and you begin to be accepted.  You see, no one will ever know who I am from that NFL party, as fun of a story as it is (and I'm not writing this because I feel guilty or ashamed about it, it was just for fun) no one knew me up there.  I had to pretend, I had to be a fake person to be up there.  In real life, we need to stop living this way.  We need to be ok with allowing people to know us, to see us for who we are, and let them join us where we are.  Because being known is much better than hiding from it all.