Speaking with a friend the other day, I began to think about the differences between the life of management that I live and what it would look like to live authentically. The discussion stemmed on the fact that I had been struggling with reverting back to an old way of life. That with all the commotion going on in my world, (Moving and Buying a home) old struggles had begun to crop back up in my life and I didn't know what to do. How do I come to grips with the fact that I deal with a nature that goes against what I'm aiming for; a part of me that I don't want to be there?
I live a life of management, I try to make my life look pretty. I don't allow people to see what I'm going through as I smile and crack jokes to keep things on the surface. I can spit out Christian verbage, quote from the Bible, or have "deep" and meaningful conversations...just don't ask me what is really going on. As much as I feel as though this is an individual problem within myself, I believe we all carry this burden. This built in thought of: "I can't let them really see what's going on in my soul". We live in a world of fear of being known, a world we try to control but really can't, a world of dilemma. If I let people see what's beneath the surface they may not stick around, but if I don't...what happens then?
Management comes with consequences. Trying to manage the unmanageable causes us to live a life of guilt, shame, and frustration. You see, sin can't be managed. It can't be put in this box and made to look pretty, it leads to death. It keeps us from freedom. One of the biggest misconceptions of sin is that allowing a little in is no big deal. Nothing is little, each action leads to another and what we are allowing in our minds and hearts is shaping us. Can an alcoholic have one drink without wanting more? "Small" sin leads our hearts deeper into the darkness, farther into a place that we can't control, a place so dark we don't want anyone to know. So we hide in our smiles, our jokes, and our fun, as we teeter on the edge of a cliff hoping not to fall.
As a kid I loved the game hide and seek, I'd try and find a place no one could find me, a closet, under the bed, behind the couch (I was never that good :) ). I had a blast...unless no one found me. After a few minutes if I couldn't hear any voices or noises I would start to get scared. I'd get worried that they had forgotten about me. I thought I was going to be alone forever, that if I didn't cry out and tell them where I was they would leave me there... No one truly wants to be alone, we don't truly want to hide forever. Every time I hide I'm hoping someone digs deeper and truly finds what is going on.
So why hide? There's no reason to. God calls us to carry each other's burdens, to share in this walk together. To be authentic. God wants us to be known, to allow ourselves to be known. He already knows what's going on deep inside of us and He loves us the same everyday, we can't hide from that. Sharing our sins and struggles with others can be scary. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves, but in that protection we are chaining ourselves to a wall in the prison of our souls, never to be let free... Authenticity is the key. Let Yourself Be Known.
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