When I make a mistake I always try to apologize right away. I don't like the feeling of mistakes, especially when I've hurt someone else. I want everyone to like me and because of this if anyone is upset with me I can't handle it. However, after I apologize for my mistake and am forgiven, I still leave feeling guilt and shame for what I've done. I want to give restitution. I want to make up or give them something to earn myself back into their good graces. I can't just accept that they said: 'I forgive you'. That can't be the end of it. I must now earn my friendship back with them. I must make amends.
I really struggle with grace. The concept of freely receiving something I don't deserve, something I haven't earned. To have someone love me for who I am and understand that at some point I'm going to hurt them and it's ok. This causes me to live my life in this self made prison. An inescapable place of guilt, shame, and struggle. A windowless room in total darkness, with no chance of light being let in. Without allowing grace in, I let guilt constrain me to a place of insecurity and hopelessness that I've believed is unavoidable.
The problem here is that I'm allowing guilt and shame to constrain, when grace is right there waiting to empower. Grace creates a freedom that can be found no other place in life. Fear has no place where grace exists because it takes away its power. Why be afraid of mistakes, guilt, and shame when you know you'll be forgiven? Grace pulls us out of hiding, it takes away our excuses, it says: 'STOP TRYING TO EARN ME, I'M HERE FOR FREE'. God gave us the gift of grace through his son, Jesus. It's a gift, something we cannot earn and shall not earn, ever. Just think, the One with the highest standards in the world (or out of this world :) ), gives us grace when we don't measure up. So how silly is it that I can't give myself grace when I don't measure up to mine?
I am learning the hard way that trying to earn grace is telling God that his gift wasn't good enough. That what Jesus did on that cross was not enough for me. I must do more to get back in your favor. This lie has ruled my life for years and I'm sick of it. Christ died, once for all, and gave the most precious thing to each one of us. The gift of grace that allows us to live each day in the freedom of knowing I'm forgiven. Not just for yesterday, or today, but forever. This empowers us to live freely for Him without the fear of failure and mistakes. We will make plenty along the way, and it isn't an excuse to keep sinning, but in our failures we know that we are always forgiven. Shame keeps us in our own place, away from others, guilty and condemned. Grace opens the door to the light outside and says: "It's ok, I've already won".
