Resolute

     I haven't been on here in a while.  It has been way too long, and when I sit down to think about it I can't figure out a good reason why.  I want to write, I want to share what God is showing me, and the way I walk through life.  So why haven't I written...?
     Last night I was asked the question: What are you resolute about right now?  When it was first asked I thought he was talking about our new years resolution.  Basically, what change are you trying to instill in your life right now.  However, this wording is different, and as I began to dig deeper into what it means to be resolute I started to see the difference.
     I'm great at changing...for a while.  I'm really good at modifying my behavior to fit what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'll get up early and run, I'll read the Bible more often, I'll pursue my wife better...for a while.  You see, with resolutions (behavior change) there is something missing, something deeper that is holding me back from fully accomplishing what I'm trying to.  The desire is there, the motivation is there, but what happens when it fades?  What happens when the excitement to change habits becomes dull and un-exciting?  What happens when I want to go back to the way it once was, to my comfort-zone?  I begin to give up and I wonder why.  It explains why I haven't written.  I wanted to change without wanting to dig to the depth of why I don't.
     I now believe we can't truly change without looking at the issues that lie in the depths of who we are.  For the longest time I have wondered why it's so much easier for me to read sports articles on the internet than hang out with my (super-hot!) wife or get the work done that I need to for my job.  I've tried making rules for myself (You can't get on the internet at home during the week, or you can only be on it for 2 hours on the weekend) and I'd do well for a while, but I'd go back.  It is so much easier to try and change behavior then to look at what causes it.  We don't want to examine the depth of our souls.  There are places in me that I never want to go, I want to keep them hidden behind a locked door with a thrown away key.  It's too scary, nothing good will come from it, it's in my past, it's behind me.  The problem is, when things are locked up inside us they hold us prisoner.  They hold us prisoner to staying the same, to slowly being ok with where we're at, they keep us from growth.
     I'm writing today for the first time in over a year, and not because I want to.  For the first time in my life, I'm writing because I need to.  Writing gives me the ability to examine myself, to look within, and see the thoughts that I have.  However it's still scary: 'What if I don't like what I see?  What if something is brought up from my past?  What if I can't handle it?'  Lucky for me, God can.  He tells us 'to not be afraid', to be 'strong and courageous',  and that He didn't give us a 'spirit of fear'.  For the first time in my life I'm ready to learn to be resolute and ask Him: "Where in my heart do you want to look?