The top of the mountain

As I've walked throughout my life, I've always thought about trying to reach a certain destination.  A certain place that will bring me peace and joy.  An experience that will finally allow me to feel freedom.  To have fulfillment and purpose.  To reach the top of the mountain.  As I strive to get there I'm always coming up short.  It seems pointless most of the time to even continue pursuing this "place".  Is this "destination" a true reality of life?  Can I get to the top and have my soul be able to rest for the first time?  To be able to take a deep breath of this fresh air where the problems of this world don't exist?  The answer to these questions is yes, but how I get "there" is completely different then I ever thought.

Last night, I was blessed by a friend (Ryan Nesbitt) who took time out of his day to make sure I was ok.  I've been going through some different struggles and needed to air out some of these issues with a close buddy.  As we were talking through everything, Ryan said something that helped to change my perspective on how I view God, and in turn, view life.  He said that the view of life where we're trying to reach the mountain top, but can't ever seem to get there is actually upside down to where we are with Christ.  You see, we are already on top of the mountain.  At all times we are up there with Christ, victorious.  Not because of any of the striving we have done or any of the hard work we have put into our walk with Him, but because of what He's done.  God has lifted us up and placed us on the highest peak, accomplishing for us what we never could.

This is a completely different view that I've never had.  I've never viewed myself as victorious.  I've always thought that I'm trying to reach that peak.  Trying desperately to get to Christ, but being too weak to get there.  Yes the analogies of the valley and climbing up the mountain still apply, but in this instance the thought of Christ already winning allows me to see the enemy in a completely different light.  If He's already won and I'm already at the peak, I can live in victory throughout the storms and struggles of this life.  I don't have to look at every mistake and every misstep with the thought that I'll never get there.  The negative ideas about never measuring up to who God has called me to be.  Sanctification is a long and trying process that doesn't end until death, but it won't happen at all if I don't believe that God has already given me victory.

This life is hard enough to navigate through, I don't need to make it harder.  I have been given a place in the kingdom of God that cannot be taken from me.  Yes, satan will try to pull me back down from the mountain and life will still be full of struggles, but I will now be staring down at him standing next to God, rather than trying to look up at God, thinking I'll never get to Him.  I'm already with Him...You are already with Him.  He died so we could be intimate with Him.  Next to Him everyday, walking in the victory of His son.  It is time to live that way.  It is time to live forgiven.  It is time to live free in the One who has already made us that way.

Looking for what's next? What about what's here?

My whole life I've always looked for what's next.  Asking questions like: What is the next chapter of life going to look like?  What am I going to do?  Who am I going to be?  Where am I going to go?  I have always been one to look to the future.  Optimistic that what's out there is better than what's here.  That there is some achievable milestone waiting out there for me that will finally fulfill me and allow me to be content in who I am.  A perfect moment that brings complete joy and satisfaction where I no longer have to deal with the stress, heartache, and emptiness that continually dwells within my soul.  But is this future a realistic expectation?  Something that will make me happy with who I am?  Is there an achievement in this world that can calm my longing heart to be full?  In short, the answer is no.

Looking ahead is not a bad idea.  In fact it is a great idea to look forward, to plan, and to work towards goals and achieve them.  It's an important part of our lives.  Time never sits still, so we are constantly moving forward and need to look to what the future may bring.  The problem is, we can't do that to escape what's here.  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy a desperate heart.  Nothing can completely fill us to the point of being whole.  The burdens of our daily lives will continue to be a heavy weight, if we keep trying to run to something we think is better.  That's what the future presents for me.  It seems like a solution to meeting my many needs.  A fix to the deeper issues I hide down deep.  I think if I can just find that job that "fits" me life will be great.  If I can just do what I was made for I will finally be happy.  It's a false hope.  An empty promise to myself, because the truth of it is, unless I allow God to satisfy my longings at this moment, on this day, what happens in the future will be meaningless.  If I don't allow Him to fill me now, the things I seek to fulfill will only be a glimpse of joy during a continuous life of painful emptiness.

You see, what's next is not what God is most concerned about.  He doesn't ever wait for us to achieve a certain status before welcoming us into His arms.  He meets us where we're at, right now, in this moment, always.  It doesn't matter what my earthly status is or becomes.  It doesn't matter if I'm the CEO or the Janitor.  God doesn't care as much about what you do, as he does about who you are and who you are becoming.  Now I do believe that God does have a plan for me, and has created me uniquely to fulfill the tasks He has set out for me to accomplish, but without Him being what fulfills me, the tasks I complete aren't for Him.  God calls to do everything in this life as if we are doing it for Him, because, in reality, we are.  Every Christians calling is to have an intimate relationship with their creator, that grows in depth day by day, as we let Him enter in and lead us to where He wants us to go.  So lets stop looking ahead because it seems to satisfy a missing piece within us, and realize that missing piece is standing there waiting to fill us at this moment, right now.

Hiding behind a false identity

This last weekend I had the opportunity to go to Chicago, with my brother and dad, to attend a couple of baseball games at Wrigley Field.  It was an incredible trip and a memory I will hold dear for the rest of my life.  However, one memory stands above them all and it made me think about how easy it is to live life like this in the reality of everyday living.

The NFL draft was held in Chicago as well this weekend and our hotel room overlooked all of the festivities.  We were up in an executive suite, thanks to my brother, on the 24th floor.  On saturday night as we were heading to our room, we kept seeing numbers of people head up to the top floor suite wearing NFL paraphernalia.  As you might expect, we were incredibly intrigued by what was going on.  So, as we came back from dinner, we hit the top floor button and went on up.  As the doors opened, there stood a security guard and a whole crew of NFL people watching the preliminary boxing fights before the main event.  We acted like we were lost, let the doors close and went back down to our rooms.  However, I wasn't about to miss this opportunity.  I contemplated for a little while, thinking: "I bet I could get into that party."  But not sure if I really wanted to try.  After a few minutes, though, I asked my brother for his nice polo, and made my way to the elevator.  This is where the fun began...

I had to think of a story, to not only get in, but to stay if I was able to get passed the door.  I decided to go with a story that was partly true.  I was going to say that I worked for the NFLplay60 Program (which I do lead as a PE teacher in my school ), I figured if it didn't work I'd just head back downstairs and have a good story.  As the elevator doors opened, 3 ladies stood in front of me all wearing their NFL jackets and lanyards.  I proceeded to ask them if I needed my credentials with me to get into the room, they said I did, so I said: "well I'm going to try anyway and go back to my room and get mine if they told me no"...the lie had begun.  We arrived at the top floor and the butterflies in my stomach began to get bigger.  I stepped off the elevator and noticed that the security guard was not there, so I walked into the room.  I did not expect to get this far and if anyone was really watching me they would have seen that I was definitely out of place, I looked like a deer in headlights waiting for his impending doom.  I started to think: "If I'm going to make this work, I have to blend in quickly."  So I spotted a guy standing alone near a couch and went up and asked him if the fight had started.  He told me that it hadn't and didn't seem to be upset with me asking him, so I stayed there and started talking to him.  I had made it, but I was still nervous that I would be found out.

I asked him what he did for the NFL and he stated that he had worked with the fan bags they were giving out over the weekend.  He then asked me what I was there for and, thinking I had thought up a well done lie, I said "Oh, I worked with the NFLplay60 program over the weekend".  I was not expecting his response, however.  He said: "Oh so you worked with Tyrell".  As he pointed toward a guy in a different part of the room.  As I said: "Oh crap", in my head.  I said audibly: "No".  He said: "Oh so were you one of the refs for the weekend (they had flag football games going on)?"  I said: "yeah, yeah that's what I was doing."  I thought I was good and then he said: "so did you come from the New York office?" "No, they flew me out from Washington State." I answered.  He was surprised, but the answer seemed to satisfy him.  As the night drew on, I began to get more comfortable, eventually going over to the free drink counter, and getting a drink, though I always felt like at some point someone would discover me, or ask me to leave, which never happened.  It was a great experience, and a story I'll tell forever.

Afterwards, I did start to think, however, what it would be like to live like that?  If you truly tried to act like someone you're not everyday.  Tried to be someone your not to fit in, to get status?  Trying to go undiscovered, pretending to be someone else.  Hiding behind a false identity.  The think is...I, and I bet a few of you, do this a lot.  I hide behind a smile, behind jokes and laughter.  Yes, part of that is who I am, but a lot of times I do it because I'm hurting inside and I don't want anyone to see it.  I want to joke and laugh and act like I'm ok.  Creating a false persona, hiding the true me, the true struggles and the reality of what's going on.

This is a constant battle that we all fight.  Acting like everything is ok and not living in the reality that life is hard and it's alright to let people know your struggle.  To let people see the depth of your soul and the real issues you deal with.  Being "found out" is actually the best part of our stories, because people get to see you, the true you, and you begin to be accepted.  You see, no one will ever know who I am from that NFL party, as fun of a story as it is (and I'm not writing this because I feel guilty or ashamed about it, it was just for fun) no one knew me up there.  I had to pretend, I had to be a fake person to be up there.  In real life, we need to stop living this way.  We need to be ok with allowing people to know us, to see us for who we are, and let them join us where we are.  Because being known is much better than hiding from it all.

Thoughts from a Marathon

This last weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday by running a marathon for the first time in my life.  I had noticed last year that my weight was continually rising, while my strength and endurance were slowly fading away.  It was time to set a goal and accomplish something.  I needed a big goal to help reel me back in to the exercise arena.  I've tried to set small goals before, but I never accomplish them because they seem too easy for me to walk away from.  I'm a little bit quirky, in the sense that most people, including presenters on goal setting, talk about setting small goals that are challenging but able to be accomplished.  This just has not worked for me.  Possibly because I'm pretty easily discouraged, especially if it should be easily done, so I set a goal about something extreme and if I don't hit it, I don't get as discouraged.  It's not necessarily the right way to do it, but it's the only thing that's worked so far.

Anyways, my wife and I ran a 10K in October with some close friends of ours and after the race I declared that my next race would be a marathon.  I was signing up for one and was going to do it no matter what.  I was sick of being in the place I was and this would help me change that.  I thought: "This is going to be an incredible physical accomplishment, and in 6 months I will be ready enough to get it done.  I may not be fast, but I'll be able to run one without any problems."  Boy was I wrong!  However, I learned some valuable lessons and the experience I had will stay with me for the rest of my life.

3 things I learned from my experience...


1. The unexpected will happen, be prepared

On the marathon website pre-race it stated that water stations would be every 2 miles, which was not the case.  You see, I had trained myself to take in 3 ounces of water about every 15 minutes (which I really don't know if that's enough or not) and thought that I would be ok with rehydrating every 2 miles, even though that would be a bit past my 15 minute timetable.  However, when the stations ended up being about 3-4 miles apart I knew I was in big trouble.  It also happened to be one of the hotter days of the spring, and I had done most of my training throughout the winter months.  As you can expect, I became extremely dehydrated to the point of no longer sweating and having to stop off to use the restroom 3 times throughout the race.  I did ok for awhile, but at mile 18 my body said stop, and I had 8.2 miles to go...I didn't think I was going to make it, I didn't know if I would finish, and I probably wouldn't have it is wasn't for...

Point number 2. 

2.  God walks with us through it all (even when we think we know what we're doing)

Before the race, I talked with my dad about the race to get some help (he's ran 9 marathons).  His biggest advice was to start out slow, because the adrenaline is going to make you want to fly.  I tried to start slow, but my first split was 8:39, which is much faster then the 9:30 time I wanted to start at.  I felt good though, and thought I would just try to stick at a 9 minute pace.  At about the 8 mile point I started thinking I would be way under my goal of 4 hours, even thinking 3:45 was a possibility.  This ended up being absurd and incredibly foolish.  As I came to the halfway mark, my body began to slow down and I ended up finishing the first half in 2:00:14, which was good, but I was feeling spent.  This is when my dad showed up.  He began to bike with me and could sense something was wrong, but he never said anything.  He just rode with me and encouraged me.  He knew I had gone too fast and could see the signs that I wasn't doing well, but he never mentioned it.  He just rode alongside me, sometimes going ahead or dropping back for a few minutes because he knew I needed space.  At mile 18 when I finally had to give in to my body and walk, I was so disappointed in myself and angry with the race organizers, that I was started complaining about it for the next few miles.  All my dad did was listen, agree, and encourage me to run when I could and walk if I needed to.  He even had some comic relief when he saw how frustrated I was about some of the people passing me.  At one point (maybe from the first time he saw me) he knew I needed more fluids or I wouldn't make it to the end, so he called my mom and brother and they brought me gatorades and water (thanks Nate and Mom!).  He coached me all the way to mile 24, where he did something I'll never forget...he left.  He rode on to the finish so I could finish with my wife.  He had been the one who got me through everything and when it came time for the recognition he let me have it.  My dad was the biggest example of what Christ is like in our lives that I have witnessed in my 28 years.  I needed Him saturday and he was there every step of the way, without needing any recognition.  To him, this was all about his son and he just wanted to encourage me to endure till the end.  All he wanted was to see me finish.  To see me accomplish my goal.  Thank you dad, I love you.

3.  Without friends, the journey is too difficult

During a marathon, you crave those cheering sections.  Each one gives you a little boost.  A little bit more energy that you didn't have before you passed them.  I was done at mile 15, but I knew my friends and my wife Natalie, were waiting for me at mile 16.  That knowledge got me all the way to 18.  My dad (above) got me to mile 23, and my great friend, Dustin (nursing a 4 beer buzz :) ) found me and ran a good 2 miles with me, until I caught my wife for the finish, who ran the last 2 miles with me after she had finished a half marathon earlier in the day!  Without each of these people helping out on this day I would not have been able to persevere.  I needed them all.  Many times during struggles, I wanted to be left alone.  I hate having to admit defeat or failure, I don't want anyone to see me suffer/struggle.  I want to be great without having to go through the hardship to get there, and I want to do it alone.  I think we all have a little bit of this in us and all it is is pride hiding itself as strength.  Thinking we can do it alone is one of the biggest reasons we fail.  We need others, and I needed others on saturday.

So thank you friends, and thank you family.  Without all of you, this wouldn't have been possible.  Again, Thank you.

A true reflection

I've had the opportunity twice over the last 4 days to hear a lady speak about her life in Indonesia as a Christian Missionary.  She has impacted me greatly.  Her name is Ann Grinnell.

Over the years, having gone to church since I was born, I've heard plenty of missionaries speak.  They've all had cool stories about what life is like where they had been, and the incredible stories of Jesus and the way He was changing that area.  To be quite honest, however, for a long time I'd thought: "If you've heard one missionary, you've heard them all."  They'd all say similar things, and it was all good (don't let me sound like I dislike missionaries or am against hearing them speak) it just never gripped me to my core.  Lots of circumstances could factor into that, such as, where I'm at in life, my walk with God, or if I was open to hearing the Spirit on that day.  Regardless of why, it never happened...until this week.

Ann, to me, was different.  Different than any person I've ever met in my entire life.  Everything about her exemplifies what she is about, which is Jesus Christ.  Her life is a true reflection of a close relationship with our savior.  It may be hard to quantify in a blog, but to see a 69 year old lady (who's about ready to retire), speak as passionately about Jesus to middle and high school kids, was nothing short of amazing.

I don't know why I'm writing this or if I even have a point, other than to say that's who Jesus wants us to be.  The true reflection of Him that Ann has grown to be over her 40 years of ministry in Indonesia.  40 freaking years!  Praise God.  Thank you Ann for the impact you've had on so many lives, mine included.

What's the difference in me?

Have you ever heard anyone say: "Christians need to be different?  That we need to be different than the world.  A light in a dark place.  In the world, but not of the world?"  Did you understand it?  Did you get what it meant?  What exactly needs to be different?  Where do I draw the line on being in the world, but not of it?  It seems messy, and it can be.

For the longest time in my life I thought very legalistically about this.  I thought that I needed to not drink, swear less, bring God into every conversation, and avoid any situation/person that might cause me to get away from this.  I basically wanted to follow God without the relationship with God.  You see, in order to be different like Christ wants us to be, we need to know the person God wants us to be like.  Walking around avoiding "bad things" is not going to look very enticing to someone who doesn't know God.  All that looks like is a life of boredom and constant frustration from not being able to do the things I once found fun.

The sad thing is, I still live my life this way at times and would venture to guess that others do too.  I get upset about having to be different.  About not getting to do "whatever the heck I want", and having to live to a different standard.  These are the times that I'm not investing in the relationship.  That I'm trying to do things on my own.  Christs standard can't be achieved without the relationship with the one who sets the standard.  The Christian life, however, is not about a standard to achieve, or a perfection to be lived.  It's about a love relationship with the one who created you to be.  The difference in you will become apparent through this process.  The line between being in the world, but not of it becomes much less grey.  Being different becomes less about what you don't do and more about what you do.  It becomes about the peace you have inside you and not the longing for things you can't have anymore.

Christ calls us to be different.  He wants that because He offers something so much better.  It only becomes a burden because sin always creeps at the door.  If something is keeping you from fully entering into the relationship with Christ God is calling you to, look at why.  Look at why it's holding you back from the one relationship that can offer true peace.  The relationship with Christ, like any relationship, is not easy.  It takes effort, and trust, and time.  But unlike any other relationship/thing in this world, it can offer you a life that's different than any other life you ever experienced.  It can give you a fulfillment and peace found no where else in the world.

Empowering Grace: Where shame constrains, grace empowers

     When I make a mistake I always try to apologize right away.  I don't like the feeling of mistakes, especially when I've hurt someone else.  I want everyone to like me and because of this if anyone is upset with me I can't handle it.  However, after I apologize for my mistake and am forgiven, I still leave feeling guilt and shame for what I've done.  I want to give restitution.  I want to make up or give them something to earn myself back into their good graces.  I can't just accept that they said: 'I forgive you'.  That can't be the end of it.  I must now earn my friendship back with them.  I must make amends.
     I really struggle with grace.  The concept of freely receiving something I don't deserve, something I haven't earned.  To have someone love me for who I am and understand that at some point I'm going to hurt them and it's ok.  This causes me to live my life in this self made prison.  An inescapable place of guilt, shame, and struggle.  A windowless room in total darkness, with no chance of light being let in.  Without allowing grace in, I let guilt constrain me to a place of insecurity and hopelessness that I've believed is unavoidable.
     The problem here is that I'm allowing guilt and shame to constrain, when grace is right there waiting to empower.  Grace creates a freedom that can be found no other place in life.  Fear has no place where grace exists because it takes away its power.  Why be afraid of mistakes, guilt, and shame when you know you'll be forgiven?  Grace pulls us out of hiding, it takes away our excuses, it says: 'STOP TRYING TO EARN ME, I'M HERE FOR FREE'.  God gave us the gift of grace through his son, Jesus.  It's a gift, something we cannot earn and shall not earn, ever.  Just think, the One with the highest standards in the world (or out of this world :) ), gives us grace when we don't measure up.  So how silly is it that I can't give myself grace when I don't measure up to mine?
     I am learning the hard way that trying to earn grace is telling God that his gift wasn't good enough.  That what Jesus did on that cross was not enough for me.  I must do more to get back in your favor.  This lie has ruled my life for years and I'm sick of it.  Christ died, once for all, and gave the most precious thing to each one of us.  The gift of grace that allows us to live each day in the freedom of knowing I'm forgiven.  Not just for yesterday, or today, but forever.  This empowers us to live freely for Him without the fear of failure and mistakes.  We will make plenty along the way, and it isn't an excuse to keep sinning, but in our failures we know that we are always forgiven.  Shame keeps us in our own place, away from others, guilty and condemned.  Grace opens the door to the light outside and says: "It's ok, I've already won".

From Beginning to Now...What I've Learned From 3 Years of Marriage

     I can't believe it.  It's August 13th, 2014.  3 years ago, as a 24 year old, I married the woman of my dreams.  She couldn't get any better.  She was perfect.  She was the embodiment of true beauty.  More wonderful on the inside then all she had to offer outside (which was a lot, she gorgeous :) ).  Kind, compassionate, loving, caring, sweet, great friend, and warm are just a few ways she would be described.  I was getting the whole package and, I'm assuming, she thought she was too.
     In reality, I did get the whole package and it came with all of the above, but it also came with more and I know (ABSOLUTELY) she would say the same thing about me.  You see, marriage is so much more than what you bargained for going in.  No matter how much we prepare for it, it is truly a unique experience.  Two broken humans willingly mingle their broken lives together during a time when the brokenness is on the peripheral due to the infatuation with each other.  It's an interesting phenomenon to think you've shared your whole soul with someone while you were dating only to find out that the breaking down and chiseling is only beginning.   
     So I write this today to share my experience.  To share what I've learned and am still learning.  These past 3 years have been an adventure I would have never expected, but am blessed to have been a part of.  A journey, with the woman I love, to deeper depths of struggle and joy that I didn't believe possible.  I am a blessed man today to still be married to the love of my life, through the incredible grace of Christ.
     And to honor 3 years, the only (j/k) 3 things I have learned over 3 years of marriage:

1.) You are more selfish then you think you are

     -I'm not trying to call you out, I promise, but really I am :).  If marriage only taught me one thing in three years it is this.  I went in thinking I was a pretty thoughtful, loving, and caring guy.  I did nice things for Natalie, cooking for her and writing love notes, and thought they would easily continue when we got married.  They did, for a little while, but as the excitement of marriage wore off (and it will for everyone at one time or another) I began to do them less and less and started to do more and more of what I wanted to do.  And my wife was left wondering where her romantic prince had gone (yes I just called myself a romantic prince, haha).

2.) Speaking of excitement, it will wear off and real life will begin (true marriage)

     -God didn't create marriage for the excitement.  Yes this is part of it, especially in the beginning when you get to share knew things together (lots of fun new things), but it isn't the consistent reality.  Marriage is so much more then 10 days in Cabo (or for us Ixtapa).  It is the day to day conversations.  The 'how are yous?'.  The 'what's going on?'.  The real relationship.  When the excitement fades and the reality begins the true test of your marriage will come and, with lots of help from God, if you choose to grow together a new depth to your relationship will come as well.

3.) Marriage is better now then it was on day one

     -It is more difficult, it is more challenging, and it is more wonderful.  We have to work at it now and that's awesome.  Sometimes it does create more stress and sometimes it's harder, but I know if Natalie does something for me it took effort and sacrifice.  You see, in the beginning it's easy, because it doesn't cost you much, but that changes as you start to do life together.  When folding the laundry is what you choose to do, when you could be hanging with friends at the lake (I still need to listen to this more often).  Or doing the dishes (even though you hate it) because you know it means something to the other.  The sacrifices help to create the oneness that God desires, and in turn, it creates a joy/depth in your marriage that is hard to break.  Oh  and when natural excitement fades, you get to create your own.  You get to write bucket lists together, or watch 'your show'.  You create fun things to do together, and also the excitement begins to come from praying together or listening when someone had a tough day.  It comes from the day to day walk with the other.


I am very new to marriage, and am sure that I will look back on this one day and think, 'Man, I still had a long ways to go.'  But in the 3 years I've been blessed to be with Natalie, I have already grown more than in the 24 without her.  

Unsatisfaction of Distraction

    

     Distraction.  Something that seems so good, but results in so little.  Distraction is an occupier of the mind.  It fills it up so it can ignore something else.  It gives it something to focus on, to rely on, and a sense of security.  A hope that it will outweigh the reality.  Distraction is a filler, a filler of space and time that we think will keep us from what truly needs to be done.  But there is a problem...distractions end.
     You see, distractions will always be just that...distractions.  They don't take the place of the issues and help you get through them.  They don't mow the yard, or get your paperwork done.  They don't heal your depression, or deepen your marriage.  They just distract you.  The way a magician tricks his audience to look where he wants them to (distraction) while the answer to the trick is right in front of them.
     This is a big struggle in our culture.  Everything we want is right at our fingertips.  If we want to ignore something, there are so many ways to do so.  We don't have to hunt for a distraction, we have one in our pockets, in our entertainment center, on our desktop.  Anything and everything sitting there for us to dive into, to ignore the realities in our hearts and minds.  How do we choose to not do this when it has become so easy?  We must look at the unsatisfied parts of our souls and realize that outweighs any instant gratification that distraction brings.
     Distraction leads to unsatisfaction, as the truth in our lives begins to become clearer and stronger the more we ignore it.  It's like the millions of dandelions in my yard that started as one.  Ignore one and it becomes a million (Yard work can be a pain in the butt!).  This leads to issues becoming more overwhelming the more we pretend they don't exist.  The more we ignore, the more unsatisfied we become. 
     You may not even realize this is true.  Life may seem like it is great and you don't have problems to deal with.  I think this all the time.  If I have a busy, productive week I don't think there is anything wrong in my life.  Anything that is worth looking at, but I'm also not willing to slow down.  Why is that?  There is a fear in that, an underlying issue that if I slow down and let my body and mind be still that I may not be as fulfilled as I think.  That I may actually be unhealthy and in need of change.  Or maybe, just maybe, I know that is exactly what I'm doing and to choose to slow down doesn't seem appealing.
     This post may seem a little discombobulated, and I apologize for that.  These thoughts have been racing through my head for a while.  Sitting in the back, while I stare into my Iphone before I fall asleep.  I have been so unsatisfied with where I'm at in life, but too afraid and insecure to admit it.  I distract myself daily because I don't want to show any weakness.  I don't want to look at how unfulfilled I am, or why that is.  The fact of the matter is, I don't fully trust that Jesus knows better, or when I do I'm afraid to become uncomfortable.  When we get away from distraction we are running from instant comfort into an uncomfortable stillness.  However, true comfort and a satisfied soul can only come from letting go of distraction and letting God fill the unsatisfied pieces.

Acceptance, the creator of insecurity and pride

    

 Why do we strive for acceptance when we are already accepted?  Why do we try to be what others want us to be and give up on becoming who we were meant to be?  Is it really worth it to be loved in this world by being someone you're not?  We have all thought about these questions at one time or another.  Each person in this world longs for acceptance, longs for people to love them for who they are, and for what they believe in.  However, I beg the question, does the acceptance of people in this world truly matter?  If it does, prepare for a life that fluctuates between  pride and insecurity?
     Pride and insecurity run together.  They aren't two completely different entities hanging out on their own.  Pride masks the insecurity that we hide beneath.  It is only a short walk down the road.  The safe neighborhoods and the scary streets all reside in the same town.  The only difference is the opinion of those around you.
     Growing up I was not the most popular kid in school, actually, I was far from it.  I was the kid that wouldn't shut up.  The kid with the super high-pitched voice that probably thought he had more real friends then he did.  I'd act fine at school, but was constantly questioning myself at home.  What can I do to be cool?  What can I say to make them like me?  How do I become popular?  I did everything I could to be who I thought they wanted me to be, the only problem was, I stopped being me.  I stopped being the kid that cared about others.  I stopped hanging out with people because my "friends" didn't like them, or my "friends" thought they were weird.  I skipped one of my best friends birthday parties because he wasn't in my new crowd.  I swore all the time and acted better than people.  I lost myself in striving to be accepted.
     Luckily, this story was a long time ago and I began to realize that these people weren't my friends.  They didn't care about me, or about who I was.  I realized that the acceptance I had gained only masked the feelings I still had inside.  I was prideful about where I was, but my insecurity grew in the midst of me becoming someone I didn't know.  A person that lived for the affirmation of people.  Hoping for them to validate who I was.  To tell me I had made it, that I was cool.  That I was something.  It never happened.
     The problem is that these stories still happen today, as an adult.  We live in a world searching for someone that will say: "You're great, I'm proud of you, keep it up."  Someone that will instill in us a humble confidence to keep moving forward.  A freedom to be ourselves and not worry about what others think.  Now don't get me wrong, there are great people, role models/mentors, and friends in this life, but we shouldn't be looking to them for acceptance.  That searching/looking leads us in so many different directions that all lead to the same problem: Pride and Insecurity.
     Christ gives us a different way.  In Him we are a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come.  We are free.  Free to be who He created us to be.  Free to let go, free to trust, free to live.  When we place our security and trust in Him He will take our insecurity and become our security.  He will take our pride and change it into a humble confidence in Him and who He is and teach us to stop relying on our own abilities.  When we rely on Christ we realize that we are made perfect in our weakness through Him, which allows us to be confident individuals as we walk throughout life, being ok in our insecurities through the security of Him.

Can I have just a taste? Why God tells us to flee from sin

Have you ever felt like God is holding out on you?  Keeping things from you that seem so good?  Things you really want?   Asking God the question: "Why can't I have that, why can't I look at that?  Why do people who don't follow you get to enjoy themselves, while I am missing out?"  Why is getting drunk bad if I'm with my Christian brothers and sisters.  Checking out girls is ok I'm not doing anything.  Swearing and telling dirty jokes is fine, I'm just being a cool Christian."  The problem with everything above is the mis-understanding of who God is and what sin does.

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."  2 Timothy 2:22
   
"Flee from sexual immorality..." 1 Corinthians 6:18

The reason God asks us to flee is because sin gives us a false hope.  Sin promises something that it can't deliver.  When you say to yourself: "it's ok for me to look at attractive women, I'm just looking."  You are actually taking the affection you have for your wife and placing it on someone else.  You're telling your mind that your wife is not enough.  You are putting another image in her place.  As small as it may seem, it's lust and it's selfish.

The root of all sin is self.  Our evil desires allow us to be drug away and enticed.  Sin is an inward focused thing.  It goes directly against what God calls us to, no matter how big or small we think it is.  It keeps us from being outward focused.  Either guilt and shame will hold us captive or our lack of recognition of the 'small' sins will keep us from truly living for Christ. 

Therefore, we must let the light shine on our lives and stop hiding in darkness and fear, or in a place of 'it's no big deal'.  To live for Jesus, we must stop looking at how to avoid sin or seeing how much we can get away with, but start asking ourselves the question: "Is what I'm doing honoring Christ and furthering His kingdom?"  When we do this, the worry about God withholding goes away, because the selfish desire that sin presents is revealed as what it truly is: A lie that satan tries to cover in false truth.

Scars...why must we be reminded of our pain?

Looking at my right quad I can see a faint oval shape about 4 inches long.  I can barely see it now, but it's a reminder of a painful event in my childhood.  When I was young, my dad had a motorcycle, I can't remember what kind, but I can remember the loud sound of the motor and him rolling in from work.  He'd pick me up and put me on it and I'm sure I was thinking I was driving it!  One day, however, I went into the garage after my dad came into the house.  I saw the bike in all it's shining glory.  I had to get on it.  I walked over to it, and though I don't remember how I tried to get on or how I fell, I do remember the intense pain.  I remember screaming in the doctor's office.  I remember seeing blisters on my leg and holding a wet rag over it.  Every time I see that scar I remember the pain as my leg hit that muffler and the long healing process afterward. 

The scars of our lives give us an opportunity to glance back.  They are reminders of things that once were.  Of who we once were.  Of times that we hated, but times that we made it through.  That God brought us through.  They give us a chance to remember the pain we went through.  A chance to remember the healing and a chance to remember why we don't want to go through it again.  However, I sometimes struggle to look at my scars in a healthy way.  I don't want to be reminded of them.  I don't want to ever see them again.  I regret having them.  Why do I need to go back and look at them?  Those times were difficult, can't I just keep looking forward?  Do I need to see it again?  Do I need to be reminded?  These are constant questions when I'm led to look back.

I've begun to realize, however, that God doesn't bring us back to painful memories to just frustrate us.  He never wants us to have to go there again and he definitely doesn't want us to dwell there.  He brings us back so that we can see how we've gone forward.  God does heal, but sometimes we forget about how far He has brought us.  We forget how far down the path we had gone, the painful outcomes, and the healing done.  We need to be reminded.  As our life continues and our scars fade we can forget about where we were.  It's times like these that we need to look at our scars and the pain that 'caused them and remember that God is the reason we are where we are.

Lifestyles: Management over Authenticity

     Speaking with a friend the other day, I began to think about the differences between the life of management that I live and what it would look like to live authentically.  The discussion stemmed on the fact that I had been struggling with reverting back to an old way of life.  That with all the commotion going on in my world, (Moving and Buying a home) old struggles had begun to crop back up in my life and I didn't know what to do.  How do I come to grips with the fact that I deal with a nature that goes against what I'm aiming for; a part of me that I don't want to be there?
     I live a life of management, I try to make my life look pretty.  I don't allow people to see what I'm going through as I smile and crack jokes to keep things on the surface.  I can spit out Christian verbage, quote from the Bible, or have "deep" and meaningful conversations...just don't ask me what is really going on.  As much as I feel as though this is an individual problem within myself, I believe we all carry this burden.  This built in thought of: "I can't let them really see what's going on in my soul".  We live in a world of fear of being known, a world we try to control but really can't, a world of dilemma.  If I let people see what's beneath the surface they may not stick around, but if I don't...what happens then? 
     Management comes with consequences.  Trying to manage the unmanageable causes us to live a life of guilt, shame, and frustration.  You see, sin can't be managed.  It can't be put in this box and made to look pretty, it leads to death.  It keeps us from freedom.  One of the biggest misconceptions of sin is that allowing a little in is no big deal.  Nothing is little, each action leads to another and what we are allowing in our minds and hearts is shaping us.  Can an alcoholic have one drink without wanting more?  "Small" sin leads our hearts deeper into the darkness, farther into a place that we can't control, a place so dark we don't want anyone to know.  So we hide in our smiles, our jokes, and our fun, as we teeter on the edge of a cliff hoping not to fall.
     As a kid I loved the game hide and seek, I'd try and find a place no one could find me, a closet, under the bed, behind the couch (I was never that good :) ).  I had a blast...unless no one found me.  After a few minutes if I couldn't hear any voices or noises I would start to get scared.  I'd get worried that they had forgotten about me.  I thought I was going to be alone forever, that if I didn't cry out and tell them where I was they would leave me there...  No one truly wants to be alone, we don't truly want to hide forever.  Every time I hide I'm hoping someone digs deeper and truly finds what is going on.     
     So why hide?  There's no reason to.  God calls us to carry each other's burdens, to share in this walk together.  To be authentic.  God wants us to be known, to allow ourselves to be known.  He already knows what's going on deep inside of us and He loves us the same everyday, we can't hide from that.  Sharing our sins and struggles with others can be scary.  Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves, but in that protection we are chaining ourselves to a wall in the prison of our souls, never to be let free...  Authenticity is the key.  Let Yourself Be Known.

No oxygen up there

     During Christmas break, I read a book called "Minus 148" about the first winter ascent of Mt. Mckinley.  It was a quick and fascinating read, but one that has constantly been on my mind ever since.  I continually asked myself while reading, "Why would anyone want to do this", while simultaneiously feeling this excitement inside me as each page turned.  The chance to stand on the top of Mckinley would excite even the faintest of heart.  However, what it takes to get there is why so many have said no.

     As much as I'd like to dream about it, I will never climb Mckinley.  To be frank, it'd scare the hell out of me.  I'm unwilling to put in the work and push aside the fear to get up there.  I'd love to just be dropped off on the top and be able to sit there for a few minutes, but not only would I die in a matter of seconds, but I imagine the thrill of sitting on top of something I didn't climb would make it a little less spectacular.

     A little over a week ago, I had one of these moments at DYC (a district youth conference for the CMA church).  God allowed me to sit on the top of Mt. Mckinley, if only for a moment, with my students and see the work he had done in their lives and mine of the last year.  It was incredible!  All the work that had been done, all the challenges, frustrations, joys, and sorrows came together for this moment.  I was on top of the mountain, and boy did I want to stay.  Everything we had gone through was worth it.  I have learned over the years, however, that these times and experiences do not last forever.  God has shown me that these moments give us a chance to view where we've been and prepare us for where we are going. 

     You see, there is always another mountain to be conquered in our lives with Christ, and a valley to go through to get there.  Each one leading to another, each one going higher and higher.  There is no life at the top of the mountain, no air to breathe, no sustainability.  Life is in the valley.  The mountains of our life are long valleys that lead to a peak.  Each time we grow deeper with our creator so we are able to climb back down and look up at our new adventure.

Resolute

     I haven't been on here in a while.  It has been way too long, and when I sit down to think about it I can't figure out a good reason why.  I want to write, I want to share what God is showing me, and the way I walk through life.  So why haven't I written...?
     Last night I was asked the question: What are you resolute about right now?  When it was first asked I thought he was talking about our new years resolution.  Basically, what change are you trying to instill in your life right now.  However, this wording is different, and as I began to dig deeper into what it means to be resolute I started to see the difference.
     I'm great at changing...for a while.  I'm really good at modifying my behavior to fit what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'll get up early and run, I'll read the Bible more often, I'll pursue my wife better...for a while.  You see, with resolutions (behavior change) there is something missing, something deeper that is holding me back from fully accomplishing what I'm trying to.  The desire is there, the motivation is there, but what happens when it fades?  What happens when the excitement to change habits becomes dull and un-exciting?  What happens when I want to go back to the way it once was, to my comfort-zone?  I begin to give up and I wonder why.  It explains why I haven't written.  I wanted to change without wanting to dig to the depth of why I don't.
     I now believe we can't truly change without looking at the issues that lie in the depths of who we are.  For the longest time I have wondered why it's so much easier for me to read sports articles on the internet than hang out with my (super-hot!) wife or get the work done that I need to for my job.  I've tried making rules for myself (You can't get on the internet at home during the week, or you can only be on it for 2 hours on the weekend) and I'd do well for a while, but I'd go back.  It is so much easier to try and change behavior then to look at what causes it.  We don't want to examine the depth of our souls.  There are places in me that I never want to go, I want to keep them hidden behind a locked door with a thrown away key.  It's too scary, nothing good will come from it, it's in my past, it's behind me.  The problem is, when things are locked up inside us they hold us prisoner.  They hold us prisoner to staying the same, to slowly being ok with where we're at, they keep us from growth.
     I'm writing today for the first time in over a year, and not because I want to.  For the first time in my life, I'm writing because I need to.  Writing gives me the ability to examine myself, to look within, and see the thoughts that I have.  However it's still scary: 'What if I don't like what I see?  What if something is brought up from my past?  What if I can't handle it?'  Lucky for me, God can.  He tells us 'to not be afraid', to be 'strong and courageous',  and that He didn't give us a 'spirit of fear'.  For the first time in my life I'm ready to learn to be resolute and ask Him: "Where in my heart do you want to look?

Anxiety, Coping, and the Peace of God

    "4Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  5Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put into practice.  And the God of peace will  be with you."   Philippians 4:4-9

   This is one of those days where I have trouble coming into a time of communion with God.  One of those days where I'm just not feeling it.  I have a hard time quieting down and allowing God to speak.  However, God is teaching me this year that on these days, when it is easy for me to ignore Him and slip into my own world, my own thoughts, I need to continue to spend time with Him, in spite of how I feel.  I wrote all of Philippians 4:4-9, but I am going to focus on verses 6-7.

   When I'm frustrated with stuff I tend to shut down and run.  God being in my rearview mirror.  This is a strange phenomenom to me and something I struggle with mightily.  Anxiety in my life leads to complacency.  God's word says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  The problem that I come across is stopping at the but.  I don't want to be anxious about anything, however when I become anxious I ignore the but.  Therefore, I miss out on peace.

   Everyone in this world wants peace.  It doesn't matter what you believe or what you're associated with, deep down there is a longing for peace.  It's why we run to so many different things that make us feel good.  In the inner most part of our being we are programmed for peace. Anxiety, however, does not go away no matter how much we seek "peace".  You see, peace is not some out there concept or some fleeting feeling, but a consistant communion with God.  "In everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  When we are struggling with life and anxiety is creeping in around us God is saying: "Talk to me, I understand".  He is begging us to come to Him.  What I struggle with more than anything is that I don't want to come.  I have hardwired myself to be "self-sufficient" to do it on my own and I walk away from the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding."  ALL UNDERSTANDING!  Are you kidding me?!

   The most ridiculous mis-conception in this world is to seek peace apart from God.  It just isn't going to happen.  It's not there.  I can fill myself with anything and everything, but it won't be peace.  When anxiety comes, I can run to whatever makes me feel good, but it won't produce peace, it'll just mask the problem.  Even if I face what I'm anxious about and deal with it in a healthy way, there will still be a missing link, I guarantee it.  Peace can only come from God.  He is asking to carry our burdens, He wants to help.  He, not only promises His peace to us if we come to Him, but says: "the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  His peace is protection, it will guard us and shield us.

   I know this has been a little bit of a rant...it's late at night and I'm writing this one out of an anxious and frustrated soul...but let me end with this to help you understand what I mean about protection.  Speaking to my first and second paragraph.  When I get anxious, especially lately, I run from God and I tend to shut down, I'm not very motivated and for lack of a better word I get depressed.  In about a week I am going to start my teaching career and for the past couple of days I have grown extremely anxious and in turn have watched and read things about sports.  These are things that I go to to feel better, to ignore what's going on, it's my way of coping, but it aids in the process of me 'shutting down'.  I say this to explain what would be the opposite and to speak to myself and you, if you are anxious and struggling, don't turn to the same things you have before instead, "by prayer and petition present your requests to God", because His peace will "guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" trust me.  The peace of God, in this time of anxiety for me, doesn't allow me to believe the lies that target my insecurities with my new job, his peace tells me to trust Him, to trust the gifts He's given me, and to let Him guide me.  In other words, His peace protects me.  We all have insecurities and ways we cope with stuff, it's human nature.  But, the peace of God doesn't agree with human nature, or even what we can comprehend...it transcends all understanding.  It's time to choose true peace.

   

 

Righteousness from God through faith: Letting go of the law

    

     My whole life I have struggled with this, but may not have realized it until today.  Paul writes in Philippians 3 that we should have no confidence in the flesh, even though he has reasons for such confidence.  You see, Paul, before he truly met Christ, was a pharisee.  He believed, because of his heritage, that he was a righteous man, and he was going to prove it.  He was more zealous a pharisee than even people his own age and persecuted 'early Christians' because of where he stood.  He states in Philippians 3:end of 4-6
     "If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eight day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless."
     He was a stud in the worlds eyes, and he had worldy confidence.  Everyone in the upper ranks respected him, and called him righteous.  But God saw him differently.  You see, God doesn't care about how good 'our stock' is, he isn't interested in our personal worldly righteousness.  Righteousness doesn't come from ourselves or human standards.  Rightesousness comes from God through faith, that's it.
     Paul continues in Philippians 3:7-11
     "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
     Paul considers everything 'rubbish' for the sake of Christ.  Which by Christ standards they are.  God states that our works of righteousness are like 'filthy rags' in Isaiah 64:6, which translated directly is even worse and more disgusting, which makes it difficult to realize how much I've held onto my own righteousness my entire life.  Just like Paul, I was born into a family that was in the church and had been for years.  I always was there, I grew up in it, and when I was ready I joined the worship team, the drama ministry, and our youth groups leadership team.  I was just like Paul, or Saul, the pre-Christ verion of Paul.  My confidence was in my abilities, and I was better than most.
     This is the problem, when we have faith in ourselves, we don't have faith, we have self righteousness and we persecute anyone who doesn't measure up to our version of that.  I 'persecuted' Christians who didn't measure up to the righteousness that I created through my own human standards and have continued to today.  But Christ is grabbing ahold of me and my backwards thinking.
    Faith and righteousness are not produced by human works or good deeds.  They aren't created by how many things I do in a week or the bible study's that I attend.  1 Thessalonians 1:3 says it much better than I ever could: "We continually remember before our God and Father your workd produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."
      Righteousness only comes from God through faith that produces works.   
      I'm realizing more and more that self-centered Christianity leads to a life without Christ and is no longer what I want.  I agree with Paul that 'I consider them all rubbish, that I may gain Christ.  He is who I want, even if it looks different than what is expected.
     "For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame.  Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.  Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!"
Philippians 3:18-4:1

There is so much more that can be said on this topic, especially about the battle between pride and depression/insecurity that I've noticed(and heard people preach about) that goes on with self righteousness and how it has affected my life, but this is what I felt compelled to share today and hope that it causes you to think, as it has me today, in your pursuit of Christ.

The slavery of sin

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I  know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature/flesh.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature/flesh, God did by sending his own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.  And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."

Romans 7:14-8:4

I had planned on only writing a couple of verses, but it is so hard to cut off scripture, because it works together and there is even so much more to this passage then I wrote, but this drives the point of what Christ is sharing with me today.

Over this last year and throughout life, I have begun to realize how easy it is to let sin creep in and do work in my mind and body.  I relate to what Paul is saying here in Romans because even though I want to do good, I am weak when it comes to doing it.  I feel, as though, I'm in a battle and one that I cannot win.  It seems hopeless at times and the picture above is what I visualize in my mind.  I am bound in chains, a slave to this master called sin.  The problem with this is that I don't need to be.  I don't need to be in this constant conundrum of what do I do, how can I get passed this, am I ever going to be free from these sins?  This is why you can't have the beginning of this passage of scripture without the next section.  Yes, Paul explains that there are two powers at work in him, sin/evil and good/the Spirit.  He talks about how his sinful nature is what causes him to do the evil.  He delights in God's law, but the law of the flesh/sinful nature, is right there with him and wages war against him.  He even crys out "What a wretched man I am!" which is a cry I've uttered far too often.  But there is incredible hope.

Christ's death on the cross and resurrection to life has broken sin's power over us.  Although we do have that nature ingrained in us because of the fall, "through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."  The spiritual law was/is weak to save us, because it is powerless to save us from ourselves and the law of sin and death.  We are weak human beings and therefore, without Christ, we would never measure up to the standards that God has set for us and we would all be destined for hell.  But God condemned sin in all of us and we can now meet the requirements he has set for us, through Christ, by living according to His Spirit.

I've been a Christian for practically my whole life and have read this passage many times, but today may have been the first time that it has ever clicked.  I had a friend tell me over the weekend that God is offering us this incredible gift of freedom and some of us have accepted the present, but never truly unwrapped it to see what's inside.  We have a choice to make here and I want to reference the picture one more time before I close.  Look at the chains around that persons hands, they are bound, they shackled, imprisoned.  Now imagine they are broken, the person's hands are set free from imprisonment, they can walk away without turning back, but they're afraid, afraid to move forward away from the life they used to live, so instead of running as quickly as they can away from the chains that held them, they pick them back up, not tightening them around their wrists like they used to be, but just holding on to them enough to not be free.  It is time to let go, time to let God be in control and let His Spirit change us.  Evil will always be right there with us, that won't change, but Christ has conquered sin, so we don't have to let it control us.  We are free, it's time we begin to live that way!



Mundane Life

You know what's crazy?  How easy it is to get excited about something and then have it die in the midst of mundane life.  Life is an interesting thing and something that can very easily slip by.  I remember just yesterday I was the new guy at my job, a recently married man, not knowing what to expect, excited.  Then I woke up and I've been married for 9 months and I'm no longer the new guy.  Weird how that happens, right?  No, actually, not really.  I think life can just keep on going without us.  We're trying to get through the day and that's it.  Life may seem slow, but the days go by quick and with no meaning.  We seem trapped in this never ending circle.  So what happens?  What changes so we all don't wake up and realize we're 50 years old?  Stillness.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  Psalm 46:10. 

We need this each day, to make each day it's own day.  To recognize God above all and over all and to realize we have a purpose.  Each spot we are at in life has a purpose.  God doesn't allow us to be somewhere without purpose, so why then do I allow myself to live purposeless?  I don't know, but if God were really impacting my life on a daily basis I wouldn't be, so what needs to change?  My stillness.  Without stillness before God there is no change, there is no purpose because no matter how much I deep down want Christ, my actions haven't put that into practice and I've missed out on my oppurtunity to live that day for Him.  I must get before Him in stillness so His purpose can work itself out in my life, today.

Why did I start this?

I've never really thought about starting a blog before.  I'm not a fancy writer or an extreme intellectual guy.  I just enjoy to write, not necessarily the process of writing, but the end result.  Writing for me is an outlet, something I need to do.  I need to get my thoughts on paper and I also want to share some of them.  I love to discuss topics and continue to learn and grow.  My main objective is to continually walk towards the truth of the gospel of Christ.  To continually seek after Him everyday and this is a way to do that.  I'd love for people to read this and begin to think/ponder thoughts that they have, even if they disagree with mine.  I'm not all knowing and don't have incredible wisdom, but God does and the thoughts that I write down are here to help in the process of growing towards Him.

I am not one to check my work while I journal I just do it and see what happens, it helps me think.  I've been in a funk this year and have struggled with different issues that have caused me to be afraid to think, afraid to open my mind for fear of what thought would enter my head, but God is bigger than that.  Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and if we let it control us, we're done and our true potential will never be met.  So here it is, the thoughts of an ordinary man living in a small town, seeking after his Creator.  Hope this is an enjoyable read and if not, cool I'm just going to keep on writing.