Thoughts from a Marathon

This last weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday by running a marathon for the first time in my life.  I had noticed last year that my weight was continually rising, while my strength and endurance were slowly fading away.  It was time to set a goal and accomplish something.  I needed a big goal to help reel me back in to the exercise arena.  I've tried to set small goals before, but I never accomplish them because they seem too easy for me to walk away from.  I'm a little bit quirky, in the sense that most people, including presenters on goal setting, talk about setting small goals that are challenging but able to be accomplished.  This just has not worked for me.  Possibly because I'm pretty easily discouraged, especially if it should be easily done, so I set a goal about something extreme and if I don't hit it, I don't get as discouraged.  It's not necessarily the right way to do it, but it's the only thing that's worked so far.

Anyways, my wife and I ran a 10K in October with some close friends of ours and after the race I declared that my next race would be a marathon.  I was signing up for one and was going to do it no matter what.  I was sick of being in the place I was and this would help me change that.  I thought: "This is going to be an incredible physical accomplishment, and in 6 months I will be ready enough to get it done.  I may not be fast, but I'll be able to run one without any problems."  Boy was I wrong!  However, I learned some valuable lessons and the experience I had will stay with me for the rest of my life.

3 things I learned from my experience...


1. The unexpected will happen, be prepared

On the marathon website pre-race it stated that water stations would be every 2 miles, which was not the case.  You see, I had trained myself to take in 3 ounces of water about every 15 minutes (which I really don't know if that's enough or not) and thought that I would be ok with rehydrating every 2 miles, even though that would be a bit past my 15 minute timetable.  However, when the stations ended up being about 3-4 miles apart I knew I was in big trouble.  It also happened to be one of the hotter days of the spring, and I had done most of my training throughout the winter months.  As you can expect, I became extremely dehydrated to the point of no longer sweating and having to stop off to use the restroom 3 times throughout the race.  I did ok for awhile, but at mile 18 my body said stop, and I had 8.2 miles to go...I didn't think I was going to make it, I didn't know if I would finish, and I probably wouldn't have it is wasn't for...

Point number 2. 

2.  God walks with us through it all (even when we think we know what we're doing)

Before the race, I talked with my dad about the race to get some help (he's ran 9 marathons).  His biggest advice was to start out slow, because the adrenaline is going to make you want to fly.  I tried to start slow, but my first split was 8:39, which is much faster then the 9:30 time I wanted to start at.  I felt good though, and thought I would just try to stick at a 9 minute pace.  At about the 8 mile point I started thinking I would be way under my goal of 4 hours, even thinking 3:45 was a possibility.  This ended up being absurd and incredibly foolish.  As I came to the halfway mark, my body began to slow down and I ended up finishing the first half in 2:00:14, which was good, but I was feeling spent.  This is when my dad showed up.  He began to bike with me and could sense something was wrong, but he never said anything.  He just rode with me and encouraged me.  He knew I had gone too fast and could see the signs that I wasn't doing well, but he never mentioned it.  He just rode alongside me, sometimes going ahead or dropping back for a few minutes because he knew I needed space.  At mile 18 when I finally had to give in to my body and walk, I was so disappointed in myself and angry with the race organizers, that I was started complaining about it for the next few miles.  All my dad did was listen, agree, and encourage me to run when I could and walk if I needed to.  He even had some comic relief when he saw how frustrated I was about some of the people passing me.  At one point (maybe from the first time he saw me) he knew I needed more fluids or I wouldn't make it to the end, so he called my mom and brother and they brought me gatorades and water (thanks Nate and Mom!).  He coached me all the way to mile 24, where he did something I'll never forget...he left.  He rode on to the finish so I could finish with my wife.  He had been the one who got me through everything and when it came time for the recognition he let me have it.  My dad was the biggest example of what Christ is like in our lives that I have witnessed in my 28 years.  I needed Him saturday and he was there every step of the way, without needing any recognition.  To him, this was all about his son and he just wanted to encourage me to endure till the end.  All he wanted was to see me finish.  To see me accomplish my goal.  Thank you dad, I love you.

3.  Without friends, the journey is too difficult

During a marathon, you crave those cheering sections.  Each one gives you a little boost.  A little bit more energy that you didn't have before you passed them.  I was done at mile 15, but I knew my friends and my wife Natalie, were waiting for me at mile 16.  That knowledge got me all the way to 18.  My dad (above) got me to mile 23, and my great friend, Dustin (nursing a 4 beer buzz :) ) found me and ran a good 2 miles with me, until I caught my wife for the finish, who ran the last 2 miles with me after she had finished a half marathon earlier in the day!  Without each of these people helping out on this day I would not have been able to persevere.  I needed them all.  Many times during struggles, I wanted to be left alone.  I hate having to admit defeat or failure, I don't want anyone to see me suffer/struggle.  I want to be great without having to go through the hardship to get there, and I want to do it alone.  I think we all have a little bit of this in us and all it is is pride hiding itself as strength.  Thinking we can do it alone is one of the biggest reasons we fail.  We need others, and I needed others on saturday.

So thank you friends, and thank you family.  Without all of you, this wouldn't have been possible.  Again, Thank you.

A true reflection

I've had the opportunity twice over the last 4 days to hear a lady speak about her life in Indonesia as a Christian Missionary.  She has impacted me greatly.  Her name is Ann Grinnell.

Over the years, having gone to church since I was born, I've heard plenty of missionaries speak.  They've all had cool stories about what life is like where they had been, and the incredible stories of Jesus and the way He was changing that area.  To be quite honest, however, for a long time I'd thought: "If you've heard one missionary, you've heard them all."  They'd all say similar things, and it was all good (don't let me sound like I dislike missionaries or am against hearing them speak) it just never gripped me to my core.  Lots of circumstances could factor into that, such as, where I'm at in life, my walk with God, or if I was open to hearing the Spirit on that day.  Regardless of why, it never happened...until this week.

Ann, to me, was different.  Different than any person I've ever met in my entire life.  Everything about her exemplifies what she is about, which is Jesus Christ.  Her life is a true reflection of a close relationship with our savior.  It may be hard to quantify in a blog, but to see a 69 year old lady (who's about ready to retire), speak as passionately about Jesus to middle and high school kids, was nothing short of amazing.

I don't know why I'm writing this or if I even have a point, other than to say that's who Jesus wants us to be.  The true reflection of Him that Ann has grown to be over her 40 years of ministry in Indonesia.  40 freaking years!  Praise God.  Thank you Ann for the impact you've had on so many lives, mine included.

What's the difference in me?

Have you ever heard anyone say: "Christians need to be different?  That we need to be different than the world.  A light in a dark place.  In the world, but not of the world?"  Did you understand it?  Did you get what it meant?  What exactly needs to be different?  Where do I draw the line on being in the world, but not of it?  It seems messy, and it can be.

For the longest time in my life I thought very legalistically about this.  I thought that I needed to not drink, swear less, bring God into every conversation, and avoid any situation/person that might cause me to get away from this.  I basically wanted to follow God without the relationship with God.  You see, in order to be different like Christ wants us to be, we need to know the person God wants us to be like.  Walking around avoiding "bad things" is not going to look very enticing to someone who doesn't know God.  All that looks like is a life of boredom and constant frustration from not being able to do the things I once found fun.

The sad thing is, I still live my life this way at times and would venture to guess that others do too.  I get upset about having to be different.  About not getting to do "whatever the heck I want", and having to live to a different standard.  These are the times that I'm not investing in the relationship.  That I'm trying to do things on my own.  Christs standard can't be achieved without the relationship with the one who sets the standard.  The Christian life, however, is not about a standard to achieve, or a perfection to be lived.  It's about a love relationship with the one who created you to be.  The difference in you will become apparent through this process.  The line between being in the world, but not of it becomes much less grey.  Being different becomes less about what you don't do and more about what you do.  It becomes about the peace you have inside you and not the longing for things you can't have anymore.

Christ calls us to be different.  He wants that because He offers something so much better.  It only becomes a burden because sin always creeps at the door.  If something is keeping you from fully entering into the relationship with Christ God is calling you to, look at why.  Look at why it's holding you back from the one relationship that can offer true peace.  The relationship with Christ, like any relationship, is not easy.  It takes effort, and trust, and time.  But unlike any other relationship/thing in this world, it can offer you a life that's different than any other life you ever experienced.  It can give you a fulfillment and peace found no where else in the world.

Empowering Grace: Where shame constrains, grace empowers

     When I make a mistake I always try to apologize right away.  I don't like the feeling of mistakes, especially when I've hurt someone else.  I want everyone to like me and because of this if anyone is upset with me I can't handle it.  However, after I apologize for my mistake and am forgiven, I still leave feeling guilt and shame for what I've done.  I want to give restitution.  I want to make up or give them something to earn myself back into their good graces.  I can't just accept that they said: 'I forgive you'.  That can't be the end of it.  I must now earn my friendship back with them.  I must make amends.
     I really struggle with grace.  The concept of freely receiving something I don't deserve, something I haven't earned.  To have someone love me for who I am and understand that at some point I'm going to hurt them and it's ok.  This causes me to live my life in this self made prison.  An inescapable place of guilt, shame, and struggle.  A windowless room in total darkness, with no chance of light being let in.  Without allowing grace in, I let guilt constrain me to a place of insecurity and hopelessness that I've believed is unavoidable.
     The problem here is that I'm allowing guilt and shame to constrain, when grace is right there waiting to empower.  Grace creates a freedom that can be found no other place in life.  Fear has no place where grace exists because it takes away its power.  Why be afraid of mistakes, guilt, and shame when you know you'll be forgiven?  Grace pulls us out of hiding, it takes away our excuses, it says: 'STOP TRYING TO EARN ME, I'M HERE FOR FREE'.  God gave us the gift of grace through his son, Jesus.  It's a gift, something we cannot earn and shall not earn, ever.  Just think, the One with the highest standards in the world (or out of this world :) ), gives us grace when we don't measure up.  So how silly is it that I can't give myself grace when I don't measure up to mine?
     I am learning the hard way that trying to earn grace is telling God that his gift wasn't good enough.  That what Jesus did on that cross was not enough for me.  I must do more to get back in your favor.  This lie has ruled my life for years and I'm sick of it.  Christ died, once for all, and gave the most precious thing to each one of us.  The gift of grace that allows us to live each day in the freedom of knowing I'm forgiven.  Not just for yesterday, or today, but forever.  This empowers us to live freely for Him without the fear of failure and mistakes.  We will make plenty along the way, and it isn't an excuse to keep sinning, but in our failures we know that we are always forgiven.  Shame keeps us in our own place, away from others, guilty and condemned.  Grace opens the door to the light outside and says: "It's ok, I've already won".

From Beginning to Now...What I've Learned From 3 Years of Marriage

     I can't believe it.  It's August 13th, 2014.  3 years ago, as a 24 year old, I married the woman of my dreams.  She couldn't get any better.  She was perfect.  She was the embodiment of true beauty.  More wonderful on the inside then all she had to offer outside (which was a lot, she gorgeous :) ).  Kind, compassionate, loving, caring, sweet, great friend, and warm are just a few ways she would be described.  I was getting the whole package and, I'm assuming, she thought she was too.
     In reality, I did get the whole package and it came with all of the above, but it also came with more and I know (ABSOLUTELY) she would say the same thing about me.  You see, marriage is so much more than what you bargained for going in.  No matter how much we prepare for it, it is truly a unique experience.  Two broken humans willingly mingle their broken lives together during a time when the brokenness is on the peripheral due to the infatuation with each other.  It's an interesting phenomenon to think you've shared your whole soul with someone while you were dating only to find out that the breaking down and chiseling is only beginning.   
     So I write this today to share my experience.  To share what I've learned and am still learning.  These past 3 years have been an adventure I would have never expected, but am blessed to have been a part of.  A journey, with the woman I love, to deeper depths of struggle and joy that I didn't believe possible.  I am a blessed man today to still be married to the love of my life, through the incredible grace of Christ.
     And to honor 3 years, the only (j/k) 3 things I have learned over 3 years of marriage:

1.) You are more selfish then you think you are

     -I'm not trying to call you out, I promise, but really I am :).  If marriage only taught me one thing in three years it is this.  I went in thinking I was a pretty thoughtful, loving, and caring guy.  I did nice things for Natalie, cooking for her and writing love notes, and thought they would easily continue when we got married.  They did, for a little while, but as the excitement of marriage wore off (and it will for everyone at one time or another) I began to do them less and less and started to do more and more of what I wanted to do.  And my wife was left wondering where her romantic prince had gone (yes I just called myself a romantic prince, haha).

2.) Speaking of excitement, it will wear off and real life will begin (true marriage)

     -God didn't create marriage for the excitement.  Yes this is part of it, especially in the beginning when you get to share knew things together (lots of fun new things), but it isn't the consistent reality.  Marriage is so much more then 10 days in Cabo (or for us Ixtapa).  It is the day to day conversations.  The 'how are yous?'.  The 'what's going on?'.  The real relationship.  When the excitement fades and the reality begins the true test of your marriage will come and, with lots of help from God, if you choose to grow together a new depth to your relationship will come as well.

3.) Marriage is better now then it was on day one

     -It is more difficult, it is more challenging, and it is more wonderful.  We have to work at it now and that's awesome.  Sometimes it does create more stress and sometimes it's harder, but I know if Natalie does something for me it took effort and sacrifice.  You see, in the beginning it's easy, because it doesn't cost you much, but that changes as you start to do life together.  When folding the laundry is what you choose to do, when you could be hanging with friends at the lake (I still need to listen to this more often).  Or doing the dishes (even though you hate it) because you know it means something to the other.  The sacrifices help to create the oneness that God desires, and in turn, it creates a joy/depth in your marriage that is hard to break.  Oh  and when natural excitement fades, you get to create your own.  You get to write bucket lists together, or watch 'your show'.  You create fun things to do together, and also the excitement begins to come from praying together or listening when someone had a tough day.  It comes from the day to day walk with the other.


I am very new to marriage, and am sure that I will look back on this one day and think, 'Man, I still had a long ways to go.'  But in the 3 years I've been blessed to be with Natalie, I have already grown more than in the 24 without her.  

Unsatisfaction of Distraction

    

     Distraction.  Something that seems so good, but results in so little.  Distraction is an occupier of the mind.  It fills it up so it can ignore something else.  It gives it something to focus on, to rely on, and a sense of security.  A hope that it will outweigh the reality.  Distraction is a filler, a filler of space and time that we think will keep us from what truly needs to be done.  But there is a problem...distractions end.
     You see, distractions will always be just that...distractions.  They don't take the place of the issues and help you get through them.  They don't mow the yard, or get your paperwork done.  They don't heal your depression, or deepen your marriage.  They just distract you.  The way a magician tricks his audience to look where he wants them to (distraction) while the answer to the trick is right in front of them.
     This is a big struggle in our culture.  Everything we want is right at our fingertips.  If we want to ignore something, there are so many ways to do so.  We don't have to hunt for a distraction, we have one in our pockets, in our entertainment center, on our desktop.  Anything and everything sitting there for us to dive into, to ignore the realities in our hearts and minds.  How do we choose to not do this when it has become so easy?  We must look at the unsatisfied parts of our souls and realize that outweighs any instant gratification that distraction brings.
     Distraction leads to unsatisfaction, as the truth in our lives begins to become clearer and stronger the more we ignore it.  It's like the millions of dandelions in my yard that started as one.  Ignore one and it becomes a million (Yard work can be a pain in the butt!).  This leads to issues becoming more overwhelming the more we pretend they don't exist.  The more we ignore, the more unsatisfied we become. 
     You may not even realize this is true.  Life may seem like it is great and you don't have problems to deal with.  I think this all the time.  If I have a busy, productive week I don't think there is anything wrong in my life.  Anything that is worth looking at, but I'm also not willing to slow down.  Why is that?  There is a fear in that, an underlying issue that if I slow down and let my body and mind be still that I may not be as fulfilled as I think.  That I may actually be unhealthy and in need of change.  Or maybe, just maybe, I know that is exactly what I'm doing and to choose to slow down doesn't seem appealing.
     This post may seem a little discombobulated, and I apologize for that.  These thoughts have been racing through my head for a while.  Sitting in the back, while I stare into my Iphone before I fall asleep.  I have been so unsatisfied with where I'm at in life, but too afraid and insecure to admit it.  I distract myself daily because I don't want to show any weakness.  I don't want to look at how unfulfilled I am, or why that is.  The fact of the matter is, I don't fully trust that Jesus knows better, or when I do I'm afraid to become uncomfortable.  When we get away from distraction we are running from instant comfort into an uncomfortable stillness.  However, true comfort and a satisfied soul can only come from letting go of distraction and letting God fill the unsatisfied pieces.

Acceptance, the creator of insecurity and pride

    

 Why do we strive for acceptance when we are already accepted?  Why do we try to be what others want us to be and give up on becoming who we were meant to be?  Is it really worth it to be loved in this world by being someone you're not?  We have all thought about these questions at one time or another.  Each person in this world longs for acceptance, longs for people to love them for who they are, and for what they believe in.  However, I beg the question, does the acceptance of people in this world truly matter?  If it does, prepare for a life that fluctuates between  pride and insecurity?
     Pride and insecurity run together.  They aren't two completely different entities hanging out on their own.  Pride masks the insecurity that we hide beneath.  It is only a short walk down the road.  The safe neighborhoods and the scary streets all reside in the same town.  The only difference is the opinion of those around you.
     Growing up I was not the most popular kid in school, actually, I was far from it.  I was the kid that wouldn't shut up.  The kid with the super high-pitched voice that probably thought he had more real friends then he did.  I'd act fine at school, but was constantly questioning myself at home.  What can I do to be cool?  What can I say to make them like me?  How do I become popular?  I did everything I could to be who I thought they wanted me to be, the only problem was, I stopped being me.  I stopped being the kid that cared about others.  I stopped hanging out with people because my "friends" didn't like them, or my "friends" thought they were weird.  I skipped one of my best friends birthday parties because he wasn't in my new crowd.  I swore all the time and acted better than people.  I lost myself in striving to be accepted.
     Luckily, this story was a long time ago and I began to realize that these people weren't my friends.  They didn't care about me, or about who I was.  I realized that the acceptance I had gained only masked the feelings I still had inside.  I was prideful about where I was, but my insecurity grew in the midst of me becoming someone I didn't know.  A person that lived for the affirmation of people.  Hoping for them to validate who I was.  To tell me I had made it, that I was cool.  That I was something.  It never happened.
     The problem is that these stories still happen today, as an adult.  We live in a world searching for someone that will say: "You're great, I'm proud of you, keep it up."  Someone that will instill in us a humble confidence to keep moving forward.  A freedom to be ourselves and not worry about what others think.  Now don't get me wrong, there are great people, role models/mentors, and friends in this life, but we shouldn't be looking to them for acceptance.  That searching/looking leads us in so many different directions that all lead to the same problem: Pride and Insecurity.
     Christ gives us a different way.  In Him we are a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come.  We are free.  Free to be who He created us to be.  Free to let go, free to trust, free to live.  When we place our security and trust in Him He will take our insecurity and become our security.  He will take our pride and change it into a humble confidence in Him and who He is and teach us to stop relying on our own abilities.  When we rely on Christ we realize that we are made perfect in our weakness through Him, which allows us to be confident individuals as we walk throughout life, being ok in our insecurities through the security of Him.