The top of the mountain

As I've walked throughout my life, I've always thought about trying to reach a certain destination.  A certain place that will bring me peace and joy.  An experience that will finally allow me to feel freedom.  To have fulfillment and purpose.  To reach the top of the mountain.  As I strive to get there I'm always coming up short.  It seems pointless most of the time to even continue pursuing this "place".  Is this "destination" a true reality of life?  Can I get to the top and have my soul be able to rest for the first time?  To be able to take a deep breath of this fresh air where the problems of this world don't exist?  The answer to these questions is yes, but how I get "there" is completely different then I ever thought.

Last night, I was blessed by a friend (Ryan Nesbitt) who took time out of his day to make sure I was ok.  I've been going through some different struggles and needed to air out some of these issues with a close buddy.  As we were talking through everything, Ryan said something that helped to change my perspective on how I view God, and in turn, view life.  He said that the view of life where we're trying to reach the mountain top, but can't ever seem to get there is actually upside down to where we are with Christ.  You see, we are already on top of the mountain.  At all times we are up there with Christ, victorious.  Not because of any of the striving we have done or any of the hard work we have put into our walk with Him, but because of what He's done.  God has lifted us up and placed us on the highest peak, accomplishing for us what we never could.

This is a completely different view that I've never had.  I've never viewed myself as victorious.  I've always thought that I'm trying to reach that peak.  Trying desperately to get to Christ, but being too weak to get there.  Yes the analogies of the valley and climbing up the mountain still apply, but in this instance the thought of Christ already winning allows me to see the enemy in a completely different light.  If He's already won and I'm already at the peak, I can live in victory throughout the storms and struggles of this life.  I don't have to look at every mistake and every misstep with the thought that I'll never get there.  The negative ideas about never measuring up to who God has called me to be.  Sanctification is a long and trying process that doesn't end until death, but it won't happen at all if I don't believe that God has already given me victory.

This life is hard enough to navigate through, I don't need to make it harder.  I have been given a place in the kingdom of God that cannot be taken from me.  Yes, satan will try to pull me back down from the mountain and life will still be full of struggles, but I will now be staring down at him standing next to God, rather than trying to look up at God, thinking I'll never get to Him.  I'm already with Him...You are already with Him.  He died so we could be intimate with Him.  Next to Him everyday, walking in the victory of His son.  It is time to live that way.  It is time to live forgiven.  It is time to live free in the One who has already made us that way.

Looking for what's next? What about what's here?

My whole life I've always looked for what's next.  Asking questions like: What is the next chapter of life going to look like?  What am I going to do?  Who am I going to be?  Where am I going to go?  I have always been one to look to the future.  Optimistic that what's out there is better than what's here.  That there is some achievable milestone waiting out there for me that will finally fulfill me and allow me to be content in who I am.  A perfect moment that brings complete joy and satisfaction where I no longer have to deal with the stress, heartache, and emptiness that continually dwells within my soul.  But is this future a realistic expectation?  Something that will make me happy with who I am?  Is there an achievement in this world that can calm my longing heart to be full?  In short, the answer is no.

Looking ahead is not a bad idea.  In fact it is a great idea to look forward, to plan, and to work towards goals and achieve them.  It's an important part of our lives.  Time never sits still, so we are constantly moving forward and need to look to what the future may bring.  The problem is, we can't do that to escape what's here.  Nothing in this world can truly satisfy a desperate heart.  Nothing can completely fill us to the point of being whole.  The burdens of our daily lives will continue to be a heavy weight, if we keep trying to run to something we think is better.  That's what the future presents for me.  It seems like a solution to meeting my many needs.  A fix to the deeper issues I hide down deep.  I think if I can just find that job that "fits" me life will be great.  If I can just do what I was made for I will finally be happy.  It's a false hope.  An empty promise to myself, because the truth of it is, unless I allow God to satisfy my longings at this moment, on this day, what happens in the future will be meaningless.  If I don't allow Him to fill me now, the things I seek to fulfill will only be a glimpse of joy during a continuous life of painful emptiness.

You see, what's next is not what God is most concerned about.  He doesn't ever wait for us to achieve a certain status before welcoming us into His arms.  He meets us where we're at, right now, in this moment, always.  It doesn't matter what my earthly status is or becomes.  It doesn't matter if I'm the CEO or the Janitor.  God doesn't care as much about what you do, as he does about who you are and who you are becoming.  Now I do believe that God does have a plan for me, and has created me uniquely to fulfill the tasks He has set out for me to accomplish, but without Him being what fulfills me, the tasks I complete aren't for Him.  God calls to do everything in this life as if we are doing it for Him, because, in reality, we are.  Every Christians calling is to have an intimate relationship with their creator, that grows in depth day by day, as we let Him enter in and lead us to where He wants us to go.  So lets stop looking ahead because it seems to satisfy a missing piece within us, and realize that missing piece is standing there waiting to fill us at this moment, right now.

Hiding behind a false identity

This last weekend I had the opportunity to go to Chicago, with my brother and dad, to attend a couple of baseball games at Wrigley Field.  It was an incredible trip and a memory I will hold dear for the rest of my life.  However, one memory stands above them all and it made me think about how easy it is to live life like this in the reality of everyday living.

The NFL draft was held in Chicago as well this weekend and our hotel room overlooked all of the festivities.  We were up in an executive suite, thanks to my brother, on the 24th floor.  On saturday night as we were heading to our room, we kept seeing numbers of people head up to the top floor suite wearing NFL paraphernalia.  As you might expect, we were incredibly intrigued by what was going on.  So, as we came back from dinner, we hit the top floor button and went on up.  As the doors opened, there stood a security guard and a whole crew of NFL people watching the preliminary boxing fights before the main event.  We acted like we were lost, let the doors close and went back down to our rooms.  However, I wasn't about to miss this opportunity.  I contemplated for a little while, thinking: "I bet I could get into that party."  But not sure if I really wanted to try.  After a few minutes, though, I asked my brother for his nice polo, and made my way to the elevator.  This is where the fun began...

I had to think of a story, to not only get in, but to stay if I was able to get passed the door.  I decided to go with a story that was partly true.  I was going to say that I worked for the NFLplay60 Program (which I do lead as a PE teacher in my school ), I figured if it didn't work I'd just head back downstairs and have a good story.  As the elevator doors opened, 3 ladies stood in front of me all wearing their NFL jackets and lanyards.  I proceeded to ask them if I needed my credentials with me to get into the room, they said I did, so I said: "well I'm going to try anyway and go back to my room and get mine if they told me no"...the lie had begun.  We arrived at the top floor and the butterflies in my stomach began to get bigger.  I stepped off the elevator and noticed that the security guard was not there, so I walked into the room.  I did not expect to get this far and if anyone was really watching me they would have seen that I was definitely out of place, I looked like a deer in headlights waiting for his impending doom.  I started to think: "If I'm going to make this work, I have to blend in quickly."  So I spotted a guy standing alone near a couch and went up and asked him if the fight had started.  He told me that it hadn't and didn't seem to be upset with me asking him, so I stayed there and started talking to him.  I had made it, but I was still nervous that I would be found out.

I asked him what he did for the NFL and he stated that he had worked with the fan bags they were giving out over the weekend.  He then asked me what I was there for and, thinking I had thought up a well done lie, I said "Oh, I worked with the NFLplay60 program over the weekend".  I was not expecting his response, however.  He said: "Oh so you worked with Tyrell".  As he pointed toward a guy in a different part of the room.  As I said: "Oh crap", in my head.  I said audibly: "No".  He said: "Oh so were you one of the refs for the weekend (they had flag football games going on)?"  I said: "yeah, yeah that's what I was doing."  I thought I was good and then he said: "so did you come from the New York office?" "No, they flew me out from Washington State." I answered.  He was surprised, but the answer seemed to satisfy him.  As the night drew on, I began to get more comfortable, eventually going over to the free drink counter, and getting a drink, though I always felt like at some point someone would discover me, or ask me to leave, which never happened.  It was a great experience, and a story I'll tell forever.

Afterwards, I did start to think, however, what it would be like to live like that?  If you truly tried to act like someone you're not everyday.  Tried to be someone your not to fit in, to get status?  Trying to go undiscovered, pretending to be someone else.  Hiding behind a false identity.  The think is...I, and I bet a few of you, do this a lot.  I hide behind a smile, behind jokes and laughter.  Yes, part of that is who I am, but a lot of times I do it because I'm hurting inside and I don't want anyone to see it.  I want to joke and laugh and act like I'm ok.  Creating a false persona, hiding the true me, the true struggles and the reality of what's going on.

This is a constant battle that we all fight.  Acting like everything is ok and not living in the reality that life is hard and it's alright to let people know your struggle.  To let people see the depth of your soul and the real issues you deal with.  Being "found out" is actually the best part of our stories, because people get to see you, the true you, and you begin to be accepted.  You see, no one will ever know who I am from that NFL party, as fun of a story as it is (and I'm not writing this because I feel guilty or ashamed about it, it was just for fun) no one knew me up there.  I had to pretend, I had to be a fake person to be up there.  In real life, we need to stop living this way.  We need to be ok with allowing people to know us, to see us for who we are, and let them join us where we are.  Because being known is much better than hiding from it all.

Thoughts from a Marathon

This last weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday by running a marathon for the first time in my life.  I had noticed last year that my weight was continually rising, while my strength and endurance were slowly fading away.  It was time to set a goal and accomplish something.  I needed a big goal to help reel me back in to the exercise arena.  I've tried to set small goals before, but I never accomplish them because they seem too easy for me to walk away from.  I'm a little bit quirky, in the sense that most people, including presenters on goal setting, talk about setting small goals that are challenging but able to be accomplished.  This just has not worked for me.  Possibly because I'm pretty easily discouraged, especially if it should be easily done, so I set a goal about something extreme and if I don't hit it, I don't get as discouraged.  It's not necessarily the right way to do it, but it's the only thing that's worked so far.

Anyways, my wife and I ran a 10K in October with some close friends of ours and after the race I declared that my next race would be a marathon.  I was signing up for one and was going to do it no matter what.  I was sick of being in the place I was and this would help me change that.  I thought: "This is going to be an incredible physical accomplishment, and in 6 months I will be ready enough to get it done.  I may not be fast, but I'll be able to run one without any problems."  Boy was I wrong!  However, I learned some valuable lessons and the experience I had will stay with me for the rest of my life.

3 things I learned from my experience...


1. The unexpected will happen, be prepared

On the marathon website pre-race it stated that water stations would be every 2 miles, which was not the case.  You see, I had trained myself to take in 3 ounces of water about every 15 minutes (which I really don't know if that's enough or not) and thought that I would be ok with rehydrating every 2 miles, even though that would be a bit past my 15 minute timetable.  However, when the stations ended up being about 3-4 miles apart I knew I was in big trouble.  It also happened to be one of the hotter days of the spring, and I had done most of my training throughout the winter months.  As you can expect, I became extremely dehydrated to the point of no longer sweating and having to stop off to use the restroom 3 times throughout the race.  I did ok for awhile, but at mile 18 my body said stop, and I had 8.2 miles to go...I didn't think I was going to make it, I didn't know if I would finish, and I probably wouldn't have it is wasn't for...

Point number 2. 

2.  God walks with us through it all (even when we think we know what we're doing)

Before the race, I talked with my dad about the race to get some help (he's ran 9 marathons).  His biggest advice was to start out slow, because the adrenaline is going to make you want to fly.  I tried to start slow, but my first split was 8:39, which is much faster then the 9:30 time I wanted to start at.  I felt good though, and thought I would just try to stick at a 9 minute pace.  At about the 8 mile point I started thinking I would be way under my goal of 4 hours, even thinking 3:45 was a possibility.  This ended up being absurd and incredibly foolish.  As I came to the halfway mark, my body began to slow down and I ended up finishing the first half in 2:00:14, which was good, but I was feeling spent.  This is when my dad showed up.  He began to bike with me and could sense something was wrong, but he never said anything.  He just rode with me and encouraged me.  He knew I had gone too fast and could see the signs that I wasn't doing well, but he never mentioned it.  He just rode alongside me, sometimes going ahead or dropping back for a few minutes because he knew I needed space.  At mile 18 when I finally had to give in to my body and walk, I was so disappointed in myself and angry with the race organizers, that I was started complaining about it for the next few miles.  All my dad did was listen, agree, and encourage me to run when I could and walk if I needed to.  He even had some comic relief when he saw how frustrated I was about some of the people passing me.  At one point (maybe from the first time he saw me) he knew I needed more fluids or I wouldn't make it to the end, so he called my mom and brother and they brought me gatorades and water (thanks Nate and Mom!).  He coached me all the way to mile 24, where he did something I'll never forget...he left.  He rode on to the finish so I could finish with my wife.  He had been the one who got me through everything and when it came time for the recognition he let me have it.  My dad was the biggest example of what Christ is like in our lives that I have witnessed in my 28 years.  I needed Him saturday and he was there every step of the way, without needing any recognition.  To him, this was all about his son and he just wanted to encourage me to endure till the end.  All he wanted was to see me finish.  To see me accomplish my goal.  Thank you dad, I love you.

3.  Without friends, the journey is too difficult

During a marathon, you crave those cheering sections.  Each one gives you a little boost.  A little bit more energy that you didn't have before you passed them.  I was done at mile 15, but I knew my friends and my wife Natalie, were waiting for me at mile 16.  That knowledge got me all the way to 18.  My dad (above) got me to mile 23, and my great friend, Dustin (nursing a 4 beer buzz :) ) found me and ran a good 2 miles with me, until I caught my wife for the finish, who ran the last 2 miles with me after she had finished a half marathon earlier in the day!  Without each of these people helping out on this day I would not have been able to persevere.  I needed them all.  Many times during struggles, I wanted to be left alone.  I hate having to admit defeat or failure, I don't want anyone to see me suffer/struggle.  I want to be great without having to go through the hardship to get there, and I want to do it alone.  I think we all have a little bit of this in us and all it is is pride hiding itself as strength.  Thinking we can do it alone is one of the biggest reasons we fail.  We need others, and I needed others on saturday.

So thank you friends, and thank you family.  Without all of you, this wouldn't have been possible.  Again, Thank you.

A true reflection

I've had the opportunity twice over the last 4 days to hear a lady speak about her life in Indonesia as a Christian Missionary.  She has impacted me greatly.  Her name is Ann Grinnell.

Over the years, having gone to church since I was born, I've heard plenty of missionaries speak.  They've all had cool stories about what life is like where they had been, and the incredible stories of Jesus and the way He was changing that area.  To be quite honest, however, for a long time I'd thought: "If you've heard one missionary, you've heard them all."  They'd all say similar things, and it was all good (don't let me sound like I dislike missionaries or am against hearing them speak) it just never gripped me to my core.  Lots of circumstances could factor into that, such as, where I'm at in life, my walk with God, or if I was open to hearing the Spirit on that day.  Regardless of why, it never happened...until this week.

Ann, to me, was different.  Different than any person I've ever met in my entire life.  Everything about her exemplifies what she is about, which is Jesus Christ.  Her life is a true reflection of a close relationship with our savior.  It may be hard to quantify in a blog, but to see a 69 year old lady (who's about ready to retire), speak as passionately about Jesus to middle and high school kids, was nothing short of amazing.

I don't know why I'm writing this or if I even have a point, other than to say that's who Jesus wants us to be.  The true reflection of Him that Ann has grown to be over her 40 years of ministry in Indonesia.  40 freaking years!  Praise God.  Thank you Ann for the impact you've had on so many lives, mine included.

What's the difference in me?

Have you ever heard anyone say: "Christians need to be different?  That we need to be different than the world.  A light in a dark place.  In the world, but not of the world?"  Did you understand it?  Did you get what it meant?  What exactly needs to be different?  Where do I draw the line on being in the world, but not of it?  It seems messy, and it can be.

For the longest time in my life I thought very legalistically about this.  I thought that I needed to not drink, swear less, bring God into every conversation, and avoid any situation/person that might cause me to get away from this.  I basically wanted to follow God without the relationship with God.  You see, in order to be different like Christ wants us to be, we need to know the person God wants us to be like.  Walking around avoiding "bad things" is not going to look very enticing to someone who doesn't know God.  All that looks like is a life of boredom and constant frustration from not being able to do the things I once found fun.

The sad thing is, I still live my life this way at times and would venture to guess that others do too.  I get upset about having to be different.  About not getting to do "whatever the heck I want", and having to live to a different standard.  These are the times that I'm not investing in the relationship.  That I'm trying to do things on my own.  Christs standard can't be achieved without the relationship with the one who sets the standard.  The Christian life, however, is not about a standard to achieve, or a perfection to be lived.  It's about a love relationship with the one who created you to be.  The difference in you will become apparent through this process.  The line between being in the world, but not of it becomes much less grey.  Being different becomes less about what you don't do and more about what you do.  It becomes about the peace you have inside you and not the longing for things you can't have anymore.

Christ calls us to be different.  He wants that because He offers something so much better.  It only becomes a burden because sin always creeps at the door.  If something is keeping you from fully entering into the relationship with Christ God is calling you to, look at why.  Look at why it's holding you back from the one relationship that can offer true peace.  The relationship with Christ, like any relationship, is not easy.  It takes effort, and trust, and time.  But unlike any other relationship/thing in this world, it can offer you a life that's different than any other life you ever experienced.  It can give you a fulfillment and peace found no where else in the world.

Empowering Grace: Where shame constrains, grace empowers

     When I make a mistake I always try to apologize right away.  I don't like the feeling of mistakes, especially when I've hurt someone else.  I want everyone to like me and because of this if anyone is upset with me I can't handle it.  However, after I apologize for my mistake and am forgiven, I still leave feeling guilt and shame for what I've done.  I want to give restitution.  I want to make up or give them something to earn myself back into their good graces.  I can't just accept that they said: 'I forgive you'.  That can't be the end of it.  I must now earn my friendship back with them.  I must make amends.
     I really struggle with grace.  The concept of freely receiving something I don't deserve, something I haven't earned.  To have someone love me for who I am and understand that at some point I'm going to hurt them and it's ok.  This causes me to live my life in this self made prison.  An inescapable place of guilt, shame, and struggle.  A windowless room in total darkness, with no chance of light being let in.  Without allowing grace in, I let guilt constrain me to a place of insecurity and hopelessness that I've believed is unavoidable.
     The problem here is that I'm allowing guilt and shame to constrain, when grace is right there waiting to empower.  Grace creates a freedom that can be found no other place in life.  Fear has no place where grace exists because it takes away its power.  Why be afraid of mistakes, guilt, and shame when you know you'll be forgiven?  Grace pulls us out of hiding, it takes away our excuses, it says: 'STOP TRYING TO EARN ME, I'M HERE FOR FREE'.  God gave us the gift of grace through his son, Jesus.  It's a gift, something we cannot earn and shall not earn, ever.  Just think, the One with the highest standards in the world (or out of this world :) ), gives us grace when we don't measure up.  So how silly is it that I can't give myself grace when I don't measure up to mine?
     I am learning the hard way that trying to earn grace is telling God that his gift wasn't good enough.  That what Jesus did on that cross was not enough for me.  I must do more to get back in your favor.  This lie has ruled my life for years and I'm sick of it.  Christ died, once for all, and gave the most precious thing to each one of us.  The gift of grace that allows us to live each day in the freedom of knowing I'm forgiven.  Not just for yesterday, or today, but forever.  This empowers us to live freely for Him without the fear of failure and mistakes.  We will make plenty along the way, and it isn't an excuse to keep sinning, but in our failures we know that we are always forgiven.  Shame keeps us in our own place, away from others, guilty and condemned.  Grace opens the door to the light outside and says: "It's ok, I've already won".