Empowering Grace: Where shame constrains, grace empowers

     When I make a mistake I always try to apologize right away.  I don't like the feeling of mistakes, especially when I've hurt someone else.  I want everyone to like me and because of this if anyone is upset with me I can't handle it.  However, after I apologize for my mistake and am forgiven, I still leave feeling guilt and shame for what I've done.  I want to give restitution.  I want to make up or give them something to earn myself back into their good graces.  I can't just accept that they said: 'I forgive you'.  That can't be the end of it.  I must now earn my friendship back with them.  I must make amends.
     I really struggle with grace.  The concept of freely receiving something I don't deserve, something I haven't earned.  To have someone love me for who I am and understand that at some point I'm going to hurt them and it's ok.  This causes me to live my life in this self made prison.  An inescapable place of guilt, shame, and struggle.  A windowless room in total darkness, with no chance of light being let in.  Without allowing grace in, I let guilt constrain me to a place of insecurity and hopelessness that I've believed is unavoidable.
     The problem here is that I'm allowing guilt and shame to constrain, when grace is right there waiting to empower.  Grace creates a freedom that can be found no other place in life.  Fear has no place where grace exists because it takes away its power.  Why be afraid of mistakes, guilt, and shame when you know you'll be forgiven?  Grace pulls us out of hiding, it takes away our excuses, it says: 'STOP TRYING TO EARN ME, I'M HERE FOR FREE'.  God gave us the gift of grace through his son, Jesus.  It's a gift, something we cannot earn and shall not earn, ever.  Just think, the One with the highest standards in the world (or out of this world :) ), gives us grace when we don't measure up.  So how silly is it that I can't give myself grace when I don't measure up to mine?
     I am learning the hard way that trying to earn grace is telling God that his gift wasn't good enough.  That what Jesus did on that cross was not enough for me.  I must do more to get back in your favor.  This lie has ruled my life for years and I'm sick of it.  Christ died, once for all, and gave the most precious thing to each one of us.  The gift of grace that allows us to live each day in the freedom of knowing I'm forgiven.  Not just for yesterday, or today, but forever.  This empowers us to live freely for Him without the fear of failure and mistakes.  We will make plenty along the way, and it isn't an excuse to keep sinning, but in our failures we know that we are always forgiven.  Shame keeps us in our own place, away from others, guilty and condemned.  Grace opens the door to the light outside and says: "It's ok, I've already won".

From Beginning to Now...What I've Learned From 3 Years of Marriage

     I can't believe it.  It's August 13th, 2014.  3 years ago, as a 24 year old, I married the woman of my dreams.  She couldn't get any better.  She was perfect.  She was the embodiment of true beauty.  More wonderful on the inside then all she had to offer outside (which was a lot, she gorgeous :) ).  Kind, compassionate, loving, caring, sweet, great friend, and warm are just a few ways she would be described.  I was getting the whole package and, I'm assuming, she thought she was too.
     In reality, I did get the whole package and it came with all of the above, but it also came with more and I know (ABSOLUTELY) she would say the same thing about me.  You see, marriage is so much more than what you bargained for going in.  No matter how much we prepare for it, it is truly a unique experience.  Two broken humans willingly mingle their broken lives together during a time when the brokenness is on the peripheral due to the infatuation with each other.  It's an interesting phenomenon to think you've shared your whole soul with someone while you were dating only to find out that the breaking down and chiseling is only beginning.   
     So I write this today to share my experience.  To share what I've learned and am still learning.  These past 3 years have been an adventure I would have never expected, but am blessed to have been a part of.  A journey, with the woman I love, to deeper depths of struggle and joy that I didn't believe possible.  I am a blessed man today to still be married to the love of my life, through the incredible grace of Christ.
     And to honor 3 years, the only (j/k) 3 things I have learned over 3 years of marriage:

1.) You are more selfish then you think you are

     -I'm not trying to call you out, I promise, but really I am :).  If marriage only taught me one thing in three years it is this.  I went in thinking I was a pretty thoughtful, loving, and caring guy.  I did nice things for Natalie, cooking for her and writing love notes, and thought they would easily continue when we got married.  They did, for a little while, but as the excitement of marriage wore off (and it will for everyone at one time or another) I began to do them less and less and started to do more and more of what I wanted to do.  And my wife was left wondering where her romantic prince had gone (yes I just called myself a romantic prince, haha).

2.) Speaking of excitement, it will wear off and real life will begin (true marriage)

     -God didn't create marriage for the excitement.  Yes this is part of it, especially in the beginning when you get to share knew things together (lots of fun new things), but it isn't the consistent reality.  Marriage is so much more then 10 days in Cabo (or for us Ixtapa).  It is the day to day conversations.  The 'how are yous?'.  The 'what's going on?'.  The real relationship.  When the excitement fades and the reality begins the true test of your marriage will come and, with lots of help from God, if you choose to grow together a new depth to your relationship will come as well.

3.) Marriage is better now then it was on day one

     -It is more difficult, it is more challenging, and it is more wonderful.  We have to work at it now and that's awesome.  Sometimes it does create more stress and sometimes it's harder, but I know if Natalie does something for me it took effort and sacrifice.  You see, in the beginning it's easy, because it doesn't cost you much, but that changes as you start to do life together.  When folding the laundry is what you choose to do, when you could be hanging with friends at the lake (I still need to listen to this more often).  Or doing the dishes (even though you hate it) because you know it means something to the other.  The sacrifices help to create the oneness that God desires, and in turn, it creates a joy/depth in your marriage that is hard to break.  Oh  and when natural excitement fades, you get to create your own.  You get to write bucket lists together, or watch 'your show'.  You create fun things to do together, and also the excitement begins to come from praying together or listening when someone had a tough day.  It comes from the day to day walk with the other.


I am very new to marriage, and am sure that I will look back on this one day and think, 'Man, I still had a long ways to go.'  But in the 3 years I've been blessed to be with Natalie, I have already grown more than in the 24 without her.  

Unsatisfaction of Distraction

    

     Distraction.  Something that seems so good, but results in so little.  Distraction is an occupier of the mind.  It fills it up so it can ignore something else.  It gives it something to focus on, to rely on, and a sense of security.  A hope that it will outweigh the reality.  Distraction is a filler, a filler of space and time that we think will keep us from what truly needs to be done.  But there is a problem...distractions end.
     You see, distractions will always be just that...distractions.  They don't take the place of the issues and help you get through them.  They don't mow the yard, or get your paperwork done.  They don't heal your depression, or deepen your marriage.  They just distract you.  The way a magician tricks his audience to look where he wants them to (distraction) while the answer to the trick is right in front of them.
     This is a big struggle in our culture.  Everything we want is right at our fingertips.  If we want to ignore something, there are so many ways to do so.  We don't have to hunt for a distraction, we have one in our pockets, in our entertainment center, on our desktop.  Anything and everything sitting there for us to dive into, to ignore the realities in our hearts and minds.  How do we choose to not do this when it has become so easy?  We must look at the unsatisfied parts of our souls and realize that outweighs any instant gratification that distraction brings.
     Distraction leads to unsatisfaction, as the truth in our lives begins to become clearer and stronger the more we ignore it.  It's like the millions of dandelions in my yard that started as one.  Ignore one and it becomes a million (Yard work can be a pain in the butt!).  This leads to issues becoming more overwhelming the more we pretend they don't exist.  The more we ignore, the more unsatisfied we become. 
     You may not even realize this is true.  Life may seem like it is great and you don't have problems to deal with.  I think this all the time.  If I have a busy, productive week I don't think there is anything wrong in my life.  Anything that is worth looking at, but I'm also not willing to slow down.  Why is that?  There is a fear in that, an underlying issue that if I slow down and let my body and mind be still that I may not be as fulfilled as I think.  That I may actually be unhealthy and in need of change.  Or maybe, just maybe, I know that is exactly what I'm doing and to choose to slow down doesn't seem appealing.
     This post may seem a little discombobulated, and I apologize for that.  These thoughts have been racing through my head for a while.  Sitting in the back, while I stare into my Iphone before I fall asleep.  I have been so unsatisfied with where I'm at in life, but too afraid and insecure to admit it.  I distract myself daily because I don't want to show any weakness.  I don't want to look at how unfulfilled I am, or why that is.  The fact of the matter is, I don't fully trust that Jesus knows better, or when I do I'm afraid to become uncomfortable.  When we get away from distraction we are running from instant comfort into an uncomfortable stillness.  However, true comfort and a satisfied soul can only come from letting go of distraction and letting God fill the unsatisfied pieces.

Acceptance, the creator of insecurity and pride

    

 Why do we strive for acceptance when we are already accepted?  Why do we try to be what others want us to be and give up on becoming who we were meant to be?  Is it really worth it to be loved in this world by being someone you're not?  We have all thought about these questions at one time or another.  Each person in this world longs for acceptance, longs for people to love them for who they are, and for what they believe in.  However, I beg the question, does the acceptance of people in this world truly matter?  If it does, prepare for a life that fluctuates between  pride and insecurity?
     Pride and insecurity run together.  They aren't two completely different entities hanging out on their own.  Pride masks the insecurity that we hide beneath.  It is only a short walk down the road.  The safe neighborhoods and the scary streets all reside in the same town.  The only difference is the opinion of those around you.
     Growing up I was not the most popular kid in school, actually, I was far from it.  I was the kid that wouldn't shut up.  The kid with the super high-pitched voice that probably thought he had more real friends then he did.  I'd act fine at school, but was constantly questioning myself at home.  What can I do to be cool?  What can I say to make them like me?  How do I become popular?  I did everything I could to be who I thought they wanted me to be, the only problem was, I stopped being me.  I stopped being the kid that cared about others.  I stopped hanging out with people because my "friends" didn't like them, or my "friends" thought they were weird.  I skipped one of my best friends birthday parties because he wasn't in my new crowd.  I swore all the time and acted better than people.  I lost myself in striving to be accepted.
     Luckily, this story was a long time ago and I began to realize that these people weren't my friends.  They didn't care about me, or about who I was.  I realized that the acceptance I had gained only masked the feelings I still had inside.  I was prideful about where I was, but my insecurity grew in the midst of me becoming someone I didn't know.  A person that lived for the affirmation of people.  Hoping for them to validate who I was.  To tell me I had made it, that I was cool.  That I was something.  It never happened.
     The problem is that these stories still happen today, as an adult.  We live in a world searching for someone that will say: "You're great, I'm proud of you, keep it up."  Someone that will instill in us a humble confidence to keep moving forward.  A freedom to be ourselves and not worry about what others think.  Now don't get me wrong, there are great people, role models/mentors, and friends in this life, but we shouldn't be looking to them for acceptance.  That searching/looking leads us in so many different directions that all lead to the same problem: Pride and Insecurity.
     Christ gives us a different way.  In Him we are a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come.  We are free.  Free to be who He created us to be.  Free to let go, free to trust, free to live.  When we place our security and trust in Him He will take our insecurity and become our security.  He will take our pride and change it into a humble confidence in Him and who He is and teach us to stop relying on our own abilities.  When we rely on Christ we realize that we are made perfect in our weakness through Him, which allows us to be confident individuals as we walk throughout life, being ok in our insecurities through the security of Him.

Can I have just a taste? Why God tells us to flee from sin

Have you ever felt like God is holding out on you?  Keeping things from you that seem so good?  Things you really want?   Asking God the question: "Why can't I have that, why can't I look at that?  Why do people who don't follow you get to enjoy themselves, while I am missing out?"  Why is getting drunk bad if I'm with my Christian brothers and sisters.  Checking out girls is ok I'm not doing anything.  Swearing and telling dirty jokes is fine, I'm just being a cool Christian."  The problem with everything above is the mis-understanding of who God is and what sin does.

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."  2 Timothy 2:22
   
"Flee from sexual immorality..." 1 Corinthians 6:18

The reason God asks us to flee is because sin gives us a false hope.  Sin promises something that it can't deliver.  When you say to yourself: "it's ok for me to look at attractive women, I'm just looking."  You are actually taking the affection you have for your wife and placing it on someone else.  You're telling your mind that your wife is not enough.  You are putting another image in her place.  As small as it may seem, it's lust and it's selfish.

The root of all sin is self.  Our evil desires allow us to be drug away and enticed.  Sin is an inward focused thing.  It goes directly against what God calls us to, no matter how big or small we think it is.  It keeps us from being outward focused.  Either guilt and shame will hold us captive or our lack of recognition of the 'small' sins will keep us from truly living for Christ. 

Therefore, we must let the light shine on our lives and stop hiding in darkness and fear, or in a place of 'it's no big deal'.  To live for Jesus, we must stop looking at how to avoid sin or seeing how much we can get away with, but start asking ourselves the question: "Is what I'm doing honoring Christ and furthering His kingdom?"  When we do this, the worry about God withholding goes away, because the selfish desire that sin presents is revealed as what it truly is: A lie that satan tries to cover in false truth.

Scars...why must we be reminded of our pain?

Looking at my right quad I can see a faint oval shape about 4 inches long.  I can barely see it now, but it's a reminder of a painful event in my childhood.  When I was young, my dad had a motorcycle, I can't remember what kind, but I can remember the loud sound of the motor and him rolling in from work.  He'd pick me up and put me on it and I'm sure I was thinking I was driving it!  One day, however, I went into the garage after my dad came into the house.  I saw the bike in all it's shining glory.  I had to get on it.  I walked over to it, and though I don't remember how I tried to get on or how I fell, I do remember the intense pain.  I remember screaming in the doctor's office.  I remember seeing blisters on my leg and holding a wet rag over it.  Every time I see that scar I remember the pain as my leg hit that muffler and the long healing process afterward. 

The scars of our lives give us an opportunity to glance back.  They are reminders of things that once were.  Of who we once were.  Of times that we hated, but times that we made it through.  That God brought us through.  They give us a chance to remember the pain we went through.  A chance to remember the healing and a chance to remember why we don't want to go through it again.  However, I sometimes struggle to look at my scars in a healthy way.  I don't want to be reminded of them.  I don't want to ever see them again.  I regret having them.  Why do I need to go back and look at them?  Those times were difficult, can't I just keep looking forward?  Do I need to see it again?  Do I need to be reminded?  These are constant questions when I'm led to look back.

I've begun to realize, however, that God doesn't bring us back to painful memories to just frustrate us.  He never wants us to have to go there again and he definitely doesn't want us to dwell there.  He brings us back so that we can see how we've gone forward.  God does heal, but sometimes we forget about how far He has brought us.  We forget how far down the path we had gone, the painful outcomes, and the healing done.  We need to be reminded.  As our life continues and our scars fade we can forget about where we were.  It's times like these that we need to look at our scars and the pain that 'caused them and remember that God is the reason we are where we are.

Lifestyles: Management over Authenticity

     Speaking with a friend the other day, I began to think about the differences between the life of management that I live and what it would look like to live authentically.  The discussion stemmed on the fact that I had been struggling with reverting back to an old way of life.  That with all the commotion going on in my world, (Moving and Buying a home) old struggles had begun to crop back up in my life and I didn't know what to do.  How do I come to grips with the fact that I deal with a nature that goes against what I'm aiming for; a part of me that I don't want to be there?
     I live a life of management, I try to make my life look pretty.  I don't allow people to see what I'm going through as I smile and crack jokes to keep things on the surface.  I can spit out Christian verbage, quote from the Bible, or have "deep" and meaningful conversations...just don't ask me what is really going on.  As much as I feel as though this is an individual problem within myself, I believe we all carry this burden.  This built in thought of: "I can't let them really see what's going on in my soul".  We live in a world of fear of being known, a world we try to control but really can't, a world of dilemma.  If I let people see what's beneath the surface they may not stick around, but if I don't...what happens then? 
     Management comes with consequences.  Trying to manage the unmanageable causes us to live a life of guilt, shame, and frustration.  You see, sin can't be managed.  It can't be put in this box and made to look pretty, it leads to death.  It keeps us from freedom.  One of the biggest misconceptions of sin is that allowing a little in is no big deal.  Nothing is little, each action leads to another and what we are allowing in our minds and hearts is shaping us.  Can an alcoholic have one drink without wanting more?  "Small" sin leads our hearts deeper into the darkness, farther into a place that we can't control, a place so dark we don't want anyone to know.  So we hide in our smiles, our jokes, and our fun, as we teeter on the edge of a cliff hoping not to fall.
     As a kid I loved the game hide and seek, I'd try and find a place no one could find me, a closet, under the bed, behind the couch (I was never that good :) ).  I had a blast...unless no one found me.  After a few minutes if I couldn't hear any voices or noises I would start to get scared.  I'd get worried that they had forgotten about me.  I thought I was going to be alone forever, that if I didn't cry out and tell them where I was they would leave me there...  No one truly wants to be alone, we don't truly want to hide forever.  Every time I hide I'm hoping someone digs deeper and truly finds what is going on.     
     So why hide?  There's no reason to.  God calls us to carry each other's burdens, to share in this walk together.  To be authentic.  God wants us to be known, to allow ourselves to be known.  He already knows what's going on deep inside of us and He loves us the same everyday, we can't hide from that.  Sharing our sins and struggles with others can be scary.  Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves, but in that protection we are chaining ourselves to a wall in the prison of our souls, never to be let free...  Authenticity is the key.  Let Yourself Be Known.

No oxygen up there

     During Christmas break, I read a book called "Minus 148" about the first winter ascent of Mt. Mckinley.  It was a quick and fascinating read, but one that has constantly been on my mind ever since.  I continually asked myself while reading, "Why would anyone want to do this", while simultaneiously feeling this excitement inside me as each page turned.  The chance to stand on the top of Mckinley would excite even the faintest of heart.  However, what it takes to get there is why so many have said no.

     As much as I'd like to dream about it, I will never climb Mckinley.  To be frank, it'd scare the hell out of me.  I'm unwilling to put in the work and push aside the fear to get up there.  I'd love to just be dropped off on the top and be able to sit there for a few minutes, but not only would I die in a matter of seconds, but I imagine the thrill of sitting on top of something I didn't climb would make it a little less spectacular.

     A little over a week ago, I had one of these moments at DYC (a district youth conference for the CMA church).  God allowed me to sit on the top of Mt. Mckinley, if only for a moment, with my students and see the work he had done in their lives and mine of the last year.  It was incredible!  All the work that had been done, all the challenges, frustrations, joys, and sorrows came together for this moment.  I was on top of the mountain, and boy did I want to stay.  Everything we had gone through was worth it.  I have learned over the years, however, that these times and experiences do not last forever.  God has shown me that these moments give us a chance to view where we've been and prepare us for where we are going. 

     You see, there is always another mountain to be conquered in our lives with Christ, and a valley to go through to get there.  Each one leading to another, each one going higher and higher.  There is no life at the top of the mountain, no air to breathe, no sustainability.  Life is in the valley.  The mountains of our life are long valleys that lead to a peak.  Each time we grow deeper with our creator so we are able to climb back down and look up at our new adventure.

Resolute

     I haven't been on here in a while.  It has been way too long, and when I sit down to think about it I can't figure out a good reason why.  I want to write, I want to share what God is showing me, and the way I walk through life.  So why haven't I written...?
     Last night I was asked the question: What are you resolute about right now?  When it was first asked I thought he was talking about our new years resolution.  Basically, what change are you trying to instill in your life right now.  However, this wording is different, and as I began to dig deeper into what it means to be resolute I started to see the difference.
     I'm great at changing...for a while.  I'm really good at modifying my behavior to fit what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'll get up early and run, I'll read the Bible more often, I'll pursue my wife better...for a while.  You see, with resolutions (behavior change) there is something missing, something deeper that is holding me back from fully accomplishing what I'm trying to.  The desire is there, the motivation is there, but what happens when it fades?  What happens when the excitement to change habits becomes dull and un-exciting?  What happens when I want to go back to the way it once was, to my comfort-zone?  I begin to give up and I wonder why.  It explains why I haven't written.  I wanted to change without wanting to dig to the depth of why I don't.
     I now believe we can't truly change without looking at the issues that lie in the depths of who we are.  For the longest time I have wondered why it's so much easier for me to read sports articles on the internet than hang out with my (super-hot!) wife or get the work done that I need to for my job.  I've tried making rules for myself (You can't get on the internet at home during the week, or you can only be on it for 2 hours on the weekend) and I'd do well for a while, but I'd go back.  It is so much easier to try and change behavior then to look at what causes it.  We don't want to examine the depth of our souls.  There are places in me that I never want to go, I want to keep them hidden behind a locked door with a thrown away key.  It's too scary, nothing good will come from it, it's in my past, it's behind me.  The problem is, when things are locked up inside us they hold us prisoner.  They hold us prisoner to staying the same, to slowly being ok with where we're at, they keep us from growth.
     I'm writing today for the first time in over a year, and not because I want to.  For the first time in my life, I'm writing because I need to.  Writing gives me the ability to examine myself, to look within, and see the thoughts that I have.  However it's still scary: 'What if I don't like what I see?  What if something is brought up from my past?  What if I can't handle it?'  Lucky for me, God can.  He tells us 'to not be afraid', to be 'strong and courageous',  and that He didn't give us a 'spirit of fear'.  For the first time in my life I'm ready to learn to be resolute and ask Him: "Where in my heart do you want to look?